Desolation

2011-10-03T23:44:00.002+08:00

我真的真的对自己过意不去。
当你知道机会在你面前，你却一声也不吭。。。
机会走了，才后悔莫及。
我现在败在自己手中。
败在我沉默的一面。

沉默的来源我不清楚。
但有一样是非常肯定，我的一切被狠狠地影响到。
如果能把这缺点改掉，生活一定会比现在好过一些。
这么样才能改掉呢？
几时才能完完全全不受它控制呢?

我发现:
巧克力能够改变你的心情，但阻止不了你的思想。

2011-08-06T02:05:00.004+08:00

Finished watching the pacific.
Awesome WW2 series.
Gives me pretty mixed feelings.
It's a relief in the sense that we don't need to go through that shit.
Shit that lasted for years. To me, it's pretty mind fuck.

Still, I can't imagine the realities of me in the war.
Gives me that itch to wanna try the feel of war.
I probably end up like "Eugene Sledge".
With the psychological effect.

I wrote this because the show somehow portrayed an important question.
The scene where every marine is celebrating except the few.
Snapfu goes,"What do we do now?"
And so WW2 has ended, they carried on their lives.
They begin a new phase.

And so Poly is about to end. Still left internship to go.
Basically gonna miss stuff out, And gonna get something else in return.
Opportunity Cost... And I, will begin a new phase.
AFTER THE EXAMS.

Can't believe this is a pit stop for exams.
I needed that break anyway, need to try sth new.
Probably after NS, University life, another phase.
That's if I can.
We'll have to see what miracles can the final exam do.
It's the final push. Sth like the flame that is about to die.
The Final burn.

By far i guess, the worst core module ever did was EID.
The Problem Based Learning that killed my grade.
The learning process which was extremely foreign.
After our education, PBL will probably be the dominant in our working and daily lives.
Our Education system spoon-feed us till it became a habit.
A habit of not finding out much more, and learning new stuff.
It came to my attention, how I failed badly in such situation.
How our education is such a failure.

Now I know, with certain things within my control,
What I can pass on and what I can learn from mistakes made,
Not just by me, but by the others as well.
The bubble that was created, and had lived in, has to be broken.
But how to take the first step? Where should it land first?
All the finest detail has to be taken in consideration.
And of Course, The final goal.
A goal I have to separate between dreams and reality.

2011-07-26T01:29:00.003+08:00

A good news and a bad news as always.
Lets start with the good one:

I BLOODY RECEIVED THE EMAIL SAYING I CAN CHOOSE EITHER FYP OR LOCAL ATTACHMENT!
THAT'S LIKE WOOOHOOO!
IVP KILLING SPREE LONG WEAPON HERE I COME.
Time to put in some effort to it.
I should start working out the Imba Pudao.
Recently I haven't been attending training regularly(in Sino)
Once a week is no good.
My Zhuan Ti became Unstable already.
Because of the fear.... Old alr, cannot take the heat anymore.
I still wonder if I can take Hou Kong again.

Still I have to build up my pace.

As for the bad news.....

Fucking WISP Consperm C+ already.
But no choice. I did not supervise that module.
And let it haywire.
Events Communication IS is hell lots of work to tank.
If I take up the WISP load, I will die.
I managed a B+ (before moderation) for events, thats really thankful.
Let's hope it goes up or stay the same and not down.

So long as I don't screw in Exams, I should be able to get:

EID B (5 credit) 3.0 17.5
PDP A (5 credit) 4.0 20
CA B+ (5 credit) 3.5 20
WISP C+ (2 credit) 2.5 6
Events B+ (2 credit) 3.5 7

Shit. 3.39.
I'm screwed. GPA dropping.

I need to push CA and EID to A and B+ (which is highly difficult)
and walah, 3.65...

Everything is in a mess. I need to buck up.

2011-07-13T01:19:00.004+08:00

It once filled with burning desire to light up the place.
It once burned with passion to keep things going.
It was the fire that blazed in our hearts.
It used to burn without question.
But with each passing day, The rate of burning slows down.
Soon, it will slowly diminish, and its Power and Will die off.
And fair enough, the day it extinguishes will come.

We all understood that it will not last.
And we know that the clock is ticking.
But I wish the Fire can continue its frenzy.
To achieve its goal before dying off.
At least its was glorious.

2011-07-10T02:19:00.002+08:00

I've failed again.
It's pretty funny why I can't host a mass outing.
There's just too many things to take note.
Plus, it takes alot of cooperation from the others.
Dealing with such an event alone won't really work out.
It takes more than one to handle it.

Clearly my "leadership" skills are still flawed.
It's pretty hard to control right from the top.
Somehow, you need to earn some kind of respect to get things done.
With that "respect", they get the job done and you get your job done.

It takes only one successful attempt and you get that respect...
And if you fail, you need to work even harder to get things done.
Sigh. Why am I trying so hard for?

Am I the only one experiencing difficulty?

2011-07-03T01:47:00.003+08:00

I'm back to ponder on this question again:
IVP or Oversea Attachment?

All of a sudden someone mentioned about this issue and it kept me thinking.
The good news is I have 1 less option to choose.
The bad news however, is 2 tough choices.

It's my final year in NP and my final IVP.
We have consecutively hit 2 years IVP champ.
How can I miss out the third and my last year of killing spree?
However, staying in School to do FYP will make me lose my final chance to pull up my GPA.
It's not easy to score in Design Project, But the possibility is still there.
24 Credit units isn't a small figure to play with and gamble.
My chances of going into local Uni will definitely be affected.
Doesn't look like it will benefit me long term.....

Similarly, if I would to abandon the team, the third year consecutive fight will be tough. Can they do it without me?
Still, there are certain risk going abroad, if I don't get 4.0 I will still lose my chance for a place in local Uni.
B+ for Attachment will not help me since my cumulative GPA is 3.50.

My current CT results doesn't look very optimistic either.
45, 61, 86, a B+ and C+. (/100)
To pull off this Semester will require my full attention in studies;
Which I can't promise. So the next Semester is extremely Crucial.

BUT WAIT.
WAIT.
What if there's a chance to create the third option!
An option in which I can DO BOTH!
The only way out is Local Attachment.
Killing two birds with one stone.
The only problem is how do I get it.
The Attachment In charge didn't reply my email, that's bad.
I have to give it a go to approach the Senior Lecturer.
Let's Hope Fate isn't that cruel to push me to the corner....

Am I important and needed??
-
It sucks to be injured.

2011-06-22T14:51:00.001+08:00

I think I'm getting paranoid.

2011-06-21T01:18:00.002+08:00

I lost myself.
My thoughts are in a state of confusion.
Everything seems to fall out like a domino.

Deterioration in studies, I can feel it.
I'm not doing as well as I should be.
It's swinging with the flow of my mood.
The distractions are way too much.
My mind says focus, but my heart disagrees.

With the loss of my music companion, things are not so good.
Its just like a Soul without music, Emptiness within.
I can't properly learn any piano songs.
It's as though my inspiration left me for good.

My Lachesis mouse died on me. I'm using the arc touch currently.
Sleek and extremely portable. But its not suitable for its job now.
It's like placing a businessman into a farmer role. Doesn't match at all.

My lifestyle became more screwed up.
I can practically sleep for the whole day.
Staying at home and doing nothing productive.
I'm living a life without purpose.
It made me question myself.
But, I don't have any answers at all.

I feel so useless now.
Jack of all trade, but master at none strategy seems to have failed.
because the jack of all trade plunged down together, leaving me with nothing.

Edit:
I have a long list of things to do.
But all require some liquidity.
And the best part is my assets have depleted.
I think i need to get a job.

2011-06-11T01:56:00.002+08:00

Shuen Yee told me to pen things down again, but actually I have nth right now.
And even if I have things to pen down, its always the same few things. Maybe...

So its has been a relief to finish CT.
Like you don't have to touch those information for at least a week.
And my Brother have to kill my mood by saying,
"there's nth to be excited about, its sth normal, life goes on."
reminds me of WISP, shit assignment.

Have to come up with the schedule for the holidays.
With the Steamboat, some outings and The Mizuno Mount Faber Run coming up.

That's about it. No mood to write one.

2011-06-03T00:11:00.002+08:00

Plans are what I always have, but I don't stick to it.
Ever since they announced there was the 11th National Wushu Championship,
I have to shift my attention elsewhere.
Things I've paid attention previously was left untouched.
Until a week before the Competition, I picked up the fallen blade.
I asked myself, "can I perform a miracle with it?"

With the doubt in my head, the week passed as if there wasn't a week.
I cleared my head and went into the carpet, but the fear remained.
I lost myself inside, and the results were unsatisfactory.
Speed has its advantages, and so does it have its disadvantages.
Unfortunately lady luck wasn't on my side.

The first event did a fatal blow. On the outside, I didn't waver.
But deep inside, I made a wild guess.
And the worst has happened, wild guesses became reality.

It was a heavy jolt. A jolt that I couldn't swallow.
Despite the explanations. Despite the knowing.
My heart wouldn't rest.
The mistakes I shouldn't have made, has been repeated.
It was Extremely Depressing.
But it's over.

Still, Anxiety remains as the future doesn't seem promising.
Guarantees may be given, but who knows?
And further down the timeline, where future is uncertain,
Where all my hopes are placed there.
It's a gamble, 1/3 chance.

They said, aim for the top and that's where you'll go.
I aimed. And I fell. Again.
I shouldn't be falling on this one.

2011-04-20T00:32:00.003+08:00

I like penning my thoughts. Without restrictions.
In here are full of rules.
Probably why I didn't bother updating here.

Anyways, school has started.
And CCA Fiesta is over in a blink of an eye.
Maybe because its just 2 days, compared to previous year which was 3.
This year's intake has risen by 150%.
But how many will stay remains a mystery until the end of the semester.

And in a blink of an eye, I'm officially Year 3.
Honestly, I haven't thought of any route once I'm out of NP.
Choosing one will be a problem later, not now probably.
Clearing this Semester with straight As is my goal. (maybe impossible for WISP and IS)

I was pretty lucky that I wasn't on my own studying the current Semester.
There were at least faces I've seen before.
Speaking of faces, I've said Hi to like a lot of people during the 2 CCA Fiesta days.
One time, at the NP Bus stop, some guy came to me and said hi.
then suddenly say about forcing him to join wushu(~~inside, i'm scratching my head, who is he??? Speculating someone that learn before in sino, or maybe i've seen him somewhere, hmmm....~~ Okay, seen the freshies list, my sec sch junior 0.o)

I wonder if I've maintained for my Taiji, very long never go Taiji training(guilty).
Even Yi Jun and Val ask me where i've been, MIA for so long alr =/
At least I did some homework on Taiji.

But Coach Course first, better clear it once and for all.
This time there is no mood distractions as the last time.
Better MUG HARD, ONE DAY LEFT AND JUST OPENED THE BOOK, GG.
I can do it.

After Nationals, Time for Traditional for 5th World.
But after hearing Hm going in November... sigh...
Back to the old topic, can I go 5th World?
It seems to me, I've lost quite an interest in going back 5th world, after hearing that news from HM.

The shimmering light at the end of the tunnel seems to grow dimmer.
And the burning flame in my heart is dying off.
The opportunity cost over passion, and which path should we take.

2011-03-10T23:55:00.003+08:00

Dear Readers,

This is a dead blog alright. I actually don't intend writing this one.
I'm almost dead tired, from the crazy start of the March Schedule.
Even now I struggle to keep my eyes open while i type this.
Today's training was all good, tiring to the extent of a little strain.
Anyways, I have a list of things to do.
Although it may seem little(7?), I can't squeeze anything into March.
That sucks.

The First Aid Course came first in the schedule. It's gonna end in a day's time, pretty funny and boring at times; Interesting regardless.
A pity that Tze Yuan wasn't there to share the joy.
Training 3 days straight is tiring enough, and still we have to reach sch by 9am for classes. But its over soon.

I'm looking forward to 2 days break from all nonsense next week. It's still a break despite being on alternate odd days. Maybe it will be filled is some activities....
After that is absolute crap, OBS course followed by Starhub Perf, and lastly Loft.
Then End of March....

April seems empty due to the buzzing March activities, maybe thats when I should start striking out the to-do-list. Wonder there's time in the first place.
FYP should start at the end of March, and I'm still waiting for the results to come out. It will be only then I know if my fate lies with FYP.
Only till then will i know what to do during April.

Does that look like holiday to you? I don't feel so.

My life has changed over the past 1 year. There are certain aspects of changes that I don't really like and some good to keep. Life has never been a dull moment since the beginning of last year. Like a roller coaster, it has ups and downs, so does my life =/

Unfortunate part of my life is my gradings falling. I can't do what I did during year one anymore. And Always after the Exam papers, remorse start filling in. I actually wanted to skip the dinner with my friends after the EDC paper. Why should I feast when I did badly? Still, the Buffet and the time spent with them was worth =)

With one last lap to go, I need to devise something new to keep myself away from falling down again. What it is however, is still uncertain. I just hope it works out bring the best out like never before.

Regards,

Xiaokai
yawn~

2011-01-27T21:47:00.003+08:00

I knew it.
I knew that standing so high up has its certain risk and difficulties.
And so does it have obstacles.

Maybe I'm not in the cut of such post.
Taking the role of leadership.
Or should I say a leader of leaders.
In the first place I wasn't leading any leaders.
I'm just leading people into confusion.
Because I'm in one as well.

Its the first time I've encountered such things.
It was the first series of performances in my hand.
I just didn't want to screw things up.
All I want was to make sure that things were perfect.
Till the extent that I neglected everything else.
but all i wanted is to see things running properly....

It was just my luck.
I Tried to fling off the flu bug that caught me in the morning.
Doesn't seem to work.
Instead, it brought me to a high stress level.
Handling practical, msgs and a whole lot of sneezing altogether was tiring.

Tried to pass it on to someone, but didn't work out and I'm on my own again.
Should have approached another one. but time was ticking to screwing things up.
Working on your own and with the belief of not wanting things to screw up became a weapon. A weapon of fear. That was when I was completely lost.

And When I was saved, I was thinking, why the heck didn't I think of it earlier.
I completely ignored the rule that i did set out.
If there is no one, might as well cancel it.
I was just too obsessed to see other paths out. Fearing that nobody turns up for it, screwing up other performances. I was preventing that. But I didn't think that I was on the verge of screwing up for them by not telling others we don't have performers.
How selfish I was.

It was quite a lesson. Things started to go wrong when the information was inaccurate. I've to remind myself to get the accurate information from the right person. Never take up a performance unless we get the full details. And never give out wrong info if not a lot of thing may happen. I found the technical glitch as to why I didn't receive the msg earlier than this Tuesday.
Aunty Florence sent an MMS, which is why i didn't receive the vital msg on monday right after I asked.

Coincidence? I think its more like concurrent events. It takes just one error to lead to another. I learnt it just a few days ago when some steak order went wrong. And so I saw the big picture. After analysing the mistakes, I find there wasn't a point carrying on pointing whos at fault cause its over. What we can do is salvage the future and ensure something like that won't happen again. I;m just too used to working alone. Must change......

This was the first setback.
And as I'm typing I received news that our previous leaders are stepping in.
It sounded aggressive when issac sent in the "little brief" about the urgent meeting.
The second one cleared the doubts after asking further...

What we are generally doing.
I can tell. I'm doing things on my own. Others don't care what is happening around.
All busy with their stuff, only when someone starts to prod, then something is done.
When something is wrong, I didn't raise out the issue.
I was doing things on my own. My fault.
Only when trouble arises, committee steps in. a bit too late.
I believe that covers most of the things they wanna say on Sunday.
In short, committee no initiative, too independent(for me).

And oh one more thing, we draw the lines too distinctively. A president does president's job. Logistics has nth to do, means logistics can take a day off. I can tell that the new comm has drawn the line BETTER than the previous one. Probably this coming Sunday will be the time to re-address this issue.

Imagine thinking till the extent of giving up an important post regardless of anything. My mind opened after the hot shower. Maybe its my flu. And maybe its coming back again. Need to study for tml test.

2011-01-04T01:06:00.010+08:00

Time for an actual post.
School official start tml for me.(YAY NO IS ON MONDAY)
It gives me one extra day to chill. (NP DID GAVE STH XTRA)

Many others enjoyed 2010, I'm the minority who didn't.
At the start of the year, relationship was something new to me.
It didn't turn out well, lets just say we ain't suited for each other.
So we split ways. Life was tough at that period of time.
I went for coach course and I screwed it badly.
Out of 5 items, i only passed one. (thank god of my specialty)

Not only I couldn't excel well on that matter, My academic suffers as well.
Every single day I never fail to sleep in class. Thats where I got my first F.
The only thing I managed properly was being the Captain of NPWushu.
Running every training, planning for the next overall Champ.

I've asked myself, what did I benefit after that long tedious year?
here's the answer: Nothing.... For myself. But the team? at least something.
I focused so much on the team that I sacrifice 1 year of training properly.
I had the feeling of screwing up in the 4th World trad and I did.
Because I know I wasn't prepared to hit the world hard enough.
Besides, luck wasn't on my side, I felt unwell after my first event.

After so much Downfall, I've experienced many things. And its really alot.
Thats the best part of 2010. And in 2011.
I'm really gonna rock and roll. (I said it during mids of 2010)
My resolution. To Climb up back to where I really belong.
Reminds me of the song Where we Belong.
I kept listening to it to keep me going during the early 2010.

I made my list of goals.
And I shall keep track of it.
Till the end of 2011.

Remnants of pictures.
My phone memory card got corrupted and everything was gone the other time.
Just in a flash....
THose were memories.
Here goes:(not in seq)

My Grandma's Birthday. We went K. And its approaching this coming sat.

The YEP Village view, awesome and relaxing.

The Curse of the golden flower. The mark of the UP... and Downs and the way...

The Violent one with the BLADE

When Wei Jian Visited NP... for a short duration.

Ouch.

Wow, This survived?

FALL BITCH

That was when she Left us, she coming back =)

The top of the Mountain.

The Bondage Session

Thats about it. Not alot have survived the "great crisis"

Elements of life stuck in my head. OMG.

2011-01-01T02:33:00.003+08:00

Alright.
First Post of 2011.
I keep it short since its like 2.34am in the morning.

First.
I Spent the whole day outside.
In the morning, I naturally wake up. No idea why.
I only slept for 4 hours.
7 AM and poof, i'm magically up.
Then spent the next few hours choking on dust.
I headed to an apartment at Tanjong Pagar.
Watched over stuff, they are renovating the toilet and pipes.
Luckily I got my entertainment over. LAPTOP AND MOVIES.
Yea. Anyway, as I type, i could feel my laptop covered with dust.

Next, Lunch with Yuling, KFC at novena.
As usual we do chit chatting and we are off.
Off to "princess Lee" (AKA LSY) house. (Y)
She had something on so, she couldn't go for the countdown at vivo with us.
Countdown at Vivo was interesting(our own one), but could be improvised further.
AND SHIT MAN! WHY DIDN'T WE GET PEANUTS.. GRRR
CARDS WERE MISSING TO KILL TIME.

The best place u can start counting down. MACDONALDS.
CQ JJ HM YL ME and CW were together at first.
then CW left. Concidentally we met Lee An and Xiang Guang.
They finished training and came to Vivo to see see.
They joined us at MAC lol.

Finish countdown, finish mcflurry and we are off to home.
Nothing much happened after that.
Just that I waited 25 mins for my bus back home. FROM THE INTERCHANGE.

Resolution? Maybe next post.
And I killed the first COCKROACH of 2011 in my kitchen.
ITS BIG.

2010-12-28T02:12:00.002+08:00

Malaysia Trip is awesome.
But short duration is the only downfall of this trip.
We still have fun nevertheless.
I don't feel like blogging, so i kept this part short and sweet....

The end is near. The end of 2010.
I realised that I did not set this year's resolution.
But I did have a few goals, some achieved and some didn't.
It has been the most hectic year my entire life....
This 3D2N trip may be the shortest trip we had,
but I've learnt something on the way.

Someone will retire from the world of Wushu, 1 year from now.
It was quite a shock to me. It reminds me of the little time I have left.
It reminds me of every goal I've set for Wushu.
And the fear struck me again. What happens if 2 years down the road,
and I can't compete in the 5th world.
I know I've highlighted that point for numerous times. But what to do?
What happens after 2 years? Do I give up the pursue of passion?

"No Choice".
That was the reason someone gave me, whom was going to leave the world of Wushu.
It made absolute sense that it was no choice. But is it really possible to just... leave? Without even a single bit of regret?
I know when our time is up, we have to go because our value is gone.
Not totally vanquished, just... being replaced.
New ones taking over the old ones.
Good ones replaced with better ones.
No matter how hard we try to revamp ourselves, in the end,
someone will take over and we will be nowhere.
Pointless......

Resolution setting. Think hard for now.

2010-12-25T05:38:00.002+08:00

My Christmas gift for my bro.
A DIY stand for his wind gauge.

Anyways, We are going off to MALAYSIA.
ANd the 3 bros didn't sleep at all. TON throughout the night.
More nonsense will come after we are back from MY.
CYA~~

2010-12-09T00:03:00.004+08:00

I've gotta resign myself to fate,
and put a little faith in myself.

To last minute work.
Maybe I'm the cut for last minute stuff.

So as I'm typing, I rushing to finish this individual project.

And I've not touched anything about this written test tml.
Never mind about me Facebook-ing or writing for this blog.
I lose out in terms of multitasking, but it gives me strength in single tasking.

Working last minute has its cons, lets not talk about it.
We always go about with pros and work on it, right?
Last min work gives us the ability to adapt to change faster(maybe?)
Like how I adapted my current "room"(ITS A FUCKING BALCONY) to be a real room.
Tables pretty messed up. Like the old times when I had MY room.

Common test is just next week, and I haven't touched the book.
[ sorry YL, i didn't open my book on Monday =( ]

I let nature take its course, the time is right, the book will eventually open,
Along with my mind.
I did screw up last semester, thats when last minute fails.
And that was when I got the first F of my life in poly.
Experimentation is a good sign, at least I now know I can't work in groups when comes to studies.

I realised something else too.
Working to be the best is one thing.
Working together to be the best is another.
Its better TO make frieNds than enemies, like the old saYing goes.
I haven't been doing my work lately. Not like i used to.
With the help of each other, we're all good to go and tackle sth else.

I should stop here.
Spent the whole day sleeping and watched 2 movies.
Time to ctach up what I've not done.

Do I Work better in such situation?
I'm not sure cause I haven't experience the other side of the grass.

2010-11-28T01:25:00.002+08:00

Issac's open house yesterday, friday night.
After the meeting, we went home first before heading there.
It took only 15 mins for me to travel from my house to Yishun.
Feeling a little adventurous, I went to find Issac house myself.
I took the right bus, but the wrong direction.
So after going one big round, I alighted at some Pri sch.
And that was when I realised I was actually correct.
But I had no confidence, i doubted myself whether I took the right bus.
It's really sad. Why can't I trust myself and finish what I've started?

Anyway, Cat and Alton was in the cab, so they came to "rescue" me.
It was a great night, although we didn't fully utilize the time and have fun together.
Guitar hero was the only thing we all 4 played together....
The next morning, we took off for training....

Today's training was all about 后空.
Polishing it up.
After looking at me testing, Issac and Alton attempted it too.
They got curious and took the shot.
In no time, all three of us will successfully do one.

After training, the whole group hanged out together for lunch.
Then we separated.
Left KT, YL and Me.

We decided to camp in Kt's house since its still early.
That was when I realised I have the online quiz undone, deadline by 11.59pm.
So i went to finish it.
In the end, I got only 40/100.
I got depressed.
How is it even possible to fail it?
That was when I remember, I'm doing quite badly this semester.
At the end of LAst semester, I did promise myself to do better this time round.
But apparently, it isn't working.
All my quizzes were done badly.
This isn't me, I can't accept the cold hard fact that I am like that now.
Whenever I get the chance, I will "make" my work done.

I said I was ready to roll, but why ain't I rolling?
And as usual, I'm not salvaging my work.
All I do is nothing right.
Lecture, not paying attention.
Training not really training.

I HATE THIS ME.

Playing and going out non-stop.

Speaking of going out non-stop, back to the story.
We all agreed to go to the bar, to chill, and of course, beer is a must.
If not, why go to the bar for?

4 Jugs of Beer for 3.
Thats quite an amount.
All of us went drunk.
Maybe I was built with low alcohol tolerance.
I drank the least, so I sobered first.
This is why I could write this post.
I knew I have to stop drinking because it was my limit.
The other time was a super bad experience, thats why I could control now.
I was in the right mind to send both of them to their doorstep.

If I could I would, Turn back the time~
Undo all the mistakes that I've made.
But its too late~
What is done can never be undone.

Has the Time come to make things right?
I hope so.

2010-11-22T01:45:00.011+08:00

I spent the entire day doing nth,
I went through everything in my desktop.
And I found out sth interesting to do...
To BLOG.... And here goes....

(can I say this as a dedication to the past, LKT and LSY?)
Remember the times we used to have fun at the overseas trips?

We all had a common goal at that time.
To see snow.
Not just snow itself, i mean come on, anyone can see snow at Snow City.
I meant Snow as in falling from the skies.

Does that picture look familar?
Maybe this will look more familar.

The E-mei mountain.

And thats right, the trip to JiuZhaiGou.
That was the first time we saw snow falling from the sky.
And its in super massive amount.
Boy I still can remember that place, we were freezing like hell.
Whacking Snow off the trees, and my hands were numb.

Before that, we were in Chengdu, settled in for a night before we embarked on a journey we never seen before. I still can remember we used to play the balloon thing, something that you use to whack someone. And of course the news where they said about some fights due to that thing. That was Christmas night. We lived in that hotel twice, the beginning and the end of the journey. The crystal Chinese Chess set was bought from that hotel. I believe all of our families still have it somewhere in our house. Mine's in my room though, once in a while we take it out and play.

We move on.
I liked to use the camera alot, I carry the camera bag all around.
And this was the first picture I took using the Tripod.
Was pathetic last time, didn't really know how to operate it.

We climbed a flight of stairs to the peak of a hill?
It had this soldier on it:

I definitely can't remember why we went there, we were basically busy play cards i guess. Must be some sort of history, to commemorate soldiers in the past perhaps?

I couldn't find any pictures on MaoXian.
The Epic place that is super windy at night.
I still can recall what the Dao You said,

"如果你绑你自己在风筝上，你可以飞回成都."

That night stay we had a K-session at the hotel. The worst hotel ever.
I think this was the one where there isn't heater in the room. It was on the bed instead. Some sort of electric bed, we didn't even dare to leave the bed after we went into our blankets.
What made this place so special was that, in the morning, we witnessed snow falling from the sky, that was the first time. Although it wasn't alot, we were super elated about it, I remembered KT and I tried to use our Tongues to catch the SnowFlakes. It was awesome, especially the symmetrical shape of the snowflakes. It was super sharp and clear looking, we managed to let some snowflake land on our hands.

Awesome awesome days we had back then.
And I swear, KT was super cute in the past, maybe because he was small in size.

We went to see waterfalls.

The awesome green lake, I find this picture nice, I think i'm the one that took that. The colour that enhanced the picture. We went there in the winter period, it already look that nice.

I think i should stop here.

When i look at this picture, it feels as though it was just yesterday that I laid there, feeling the coldness at my back, Posing for this picture with the looks of enjoyment. The young and innocent us back then. All we cared about was when will the next time we go out for a tour together.

I did mentioned before that we had a common goal. We've seen it. Currently and maybe, we are still pursuing our passion in Wushu.
Soon enough, all three of us will have different goals. All of us have changed that is for sure.

Time did fly pass extremely fast, all of those was back in end of 2004. 6 years ago.
I can't believe it myself either. I guess we often look back to your memories because the present really sucks. My results are falling because My attitude towards studies has changed. I know that, but I'm not doing anything to salvage this. Last week, there were so many quiz and many of them I did it quite badly. My As will soon become B+ and maybe B.

I'm in control of situation, but why ain't I making the right moves?

2010-11-16T02:14:00.002+08:00

Its already 4th week of school.
I seemed to have lost track of time.
And I just got used to life in poly.

For now my directions are clear,
Make up for the lost I had last sem, because I'm ready to roll.
And start planning for what I've lost back in China,
for the past one year as well.

Never the same

2010-11-15T23:48:00.002+08:00

I've stopped blogging for quite a while.
Easily noticed.
Not sure whether I became lazy or lost the feel to write a post.

But,
I can feel it, a very different me.
It wasn't like it used to be back before the China trip.
A month's time was long enough for a change.
A change that it never occurred to me before.
That change was probably too rapid for me.

Even the environment around me changed within a day.
On a Saturday morning, my house was without window grill.
That very same day at night, window grills added.
Because of this little boy we have in our house.
My parents paid 1k for that installation.
Indeed it feels weird, for the past 5 years, we lived without it.
The moment I saw the grills that night, I felt so restricted.

On an another morning I was in my room on my bed, then I went to school.
That night I came home, my bed was in the living room, my room was conquered.
Then, moved into my sis room to seek "refuge". Pretty unbelievable.
Oh yea, in the past my room was super messy.
Today, its so clean that I can't believe that was my room at all.

But in the end, life goes on, whether we like it or not.
I've been listening to Chinese Music ever since I was in china.
No longer I felt how it used to be, when I listened to Muse.
Not to mention the Songs I used to hear(English ones)

And what I used to feel in the past no longer applies today.

I stared at the photo.
Someone mentioned re-living childhood, I wish i could too.
I Wondered what my life would be if I really made used of it.

I don't know whether the changes are good or bad because I've never experienced it before. I feel a little lost in this fast paced world, not knowing what to do, because I saw reality. Living in the bubble for a prolong period might be a good and bad thing, but What should I do when life continues at this rate?

Maybe its time to move on.
Maybe its time to think of what going to happen next,
and what should happen next.
The key should be somewhere, probably within reach, just that i don't notice it.

I am named Kai for a reason, but where is it?

2010-10-28T01:09:00.002+08:00

Ahhh.
A month pasted just like that.
Its an extraordinary one month out in china.
Done lots of stuff that I did not do before.
Train ride, take plane on my own etc etc..

A short post for now. Got school tml, so screwed up.

2010-09-24T01:17:00.006+08:00

Hmmm....
Before training, I was in Villa Francis, Home for the Aged.
Its really really damn sad.
I can't imagine myself down the road,
To be wheelchair-bounded, and playing games like throwing one marbles at the time to the other bowl.
To take up colour pencil and start doodling.

It's simply too degrading.
I believe every single one in the home was brilliant and smart people.
And yet they have to do things like that....
Aging is such a tyrant, to play with people and let all of us slowly die off.

I swear I will never let such thing happen to me.
But who knows what future lies ahead?
I'll just try and avoid as much as I can.

Actually, it was really too far ahead to think of such matters.
I think I should stick to my reality and continue living without such thoughts.
And till that day comes, I'll think of it.....

---------------------------------------------

Jiti Quan full house Only happened once.
It was on a Saturday.
Probably tml will be the second and the last time we get a full house.
Today's Jiti, only Jie Wei MIA.

After training, KT and I was told to eat together with all the JL.
For what reason, I'm not sure.
But It was a torture for me =(

First of all, it was all chilli-fied.
And its like too spicy for me to handle.

I had to order 2 cans of drink.
Notice the number of sticks, Mine's the least.
Less than 8.

Secondly, the contents.

From the looks of it, I knew it was ligaments,
But didn't know its cow's ligaments.
And some other weird stuff, edible though.

I wonder if eating all of these weird stuff can improve 弹跳....

------------

KT and his failed wolverine claws
------------

Friday....
Start of Training Camp.
Hu JL said it will be unforgettable, probably the ride of our lives.
Then I'm off to China for a Month!!
In that period of time, I'll get back my sad results for this sem.
I've already hoped for the worst.

Everything seems to pass so quickly.
But will the wishes i made from the 2 shooting stars i saw in tioman island be true?
Only time and i can tell.

2010-09-22T01:25:00.000+08:00

I'm fight real hard, to train up for whats coming up.
But I'm feeling really tired, both physically and mentally.
I just feel like giving up now, cause its too much.

someone, just push me on.

2010-09-21T01:15:00.004+08:00

I CANNOT SCREW IT UP.
I CANNOT SCREW IT UP.
I CANNOT SCREW IT UP.

Was in my head from the MRT all the way back home.
Today's training proved that I'm far worse than before.
The fear was in my mind.

I'll probably break down and cry if I screw up my Pudao,
Like how I did it on EMD, the second paper. Disappointing.

I need my confidence back.
I need my fierce Pudao skills back.

I don't have any mood to post the Tioman and Ubin Trip/camp.

2010-09-14T00:19:00.002+08:00

Sigh, Since when was I that busy?
I just realised like a few mins ago,
I've got so little time to prepare for 4th world.

I thought I had 10 days.
It was actually 7/8(if add Anhui training, thats 13).

So I'm going to Tioman in a few hours time.
From 14th-17th sept, 4D3N.
If i straight away go for training, that's one day.
18th sept free for training.
From 19th-21st sept, I have a bonding camp in Ubin.
Thats 3D2N.
22nd-26th, free for training.
27th Sept, I fly to Xiamen for 2 weeks.
8 Oct(probably), I fly to Anhui for training, 5 days.
14th fly to Shiyan for Comps.
Then after 4th World, Shaolin Comps.
Come back SG on 26/27 Oct.
2 Days to prepare for IVP.

What an interesting life I have this year.
So much Ups and Downs.
A roller coaster ride to be precise.

Life can be a little bit more interesting...

2010-09-10T05:00:00.002+08:00

This is the first time I hope to fail a paper.
If I passed the elective, i probably can't retake it.
If I fail, next sem I'll retake it.

Then things will become really insane.
I'll take EM3A, IAM and Calculus.
3 Maths module in a semester, thats the powerhouse.

I still can't believe how I will fare for this sem.
2 B+ and one fail paper, so unacceptable.
When my mum asked me how is it.
I didn't dare to tell her how badly i did.
Just told her, bad, thats all.

The response was as usual, 你看,跟你讲过了，你不听.
I know the consequences of playing with my marks.
There isn't a need to remind me,
but i guess its just natural for you to just say.

------------

Training was tiring, only 3 半套.
Proves that my stamina dropped.
Time to hit my first target, ya tui, sigh.

2010-09-09T03:23:00.004+08:00

There's no point continuing shedding tears because i screwed the paper up.
Imagine the simplest question appear in front but yet u can't answer.
Thats what happened. my chance on getting A is finished.
Thats another B+ for second core module.
I'm screwed. More screwed than ever.

There is no one to blame but myself.
We studied. (played as well)
We all genuinely studied, but the difference between them and me was,

They are preparing, I'm not actually preparing.
They get prepared by asking questions.
I get prepared by doing myself + answering questions.

So what happened was, There wasn't a proper time for me to study because, every min one person comes up to me and ask questions. There's nth wrong here.
The problem lies with they kept asking questions that I've answered before.
Repeating the same chapter over and over again.
Till the extent i was the master of that topic, but not the rest.
Every min I was distracted, and I couldn't study.

One day weren't suffice to study.
The distraction around was so great that my study time wasn't one.
I've learnt my lesson, never to go loft to study, unless you are totally prepared.
I should have stayed at home, and work my way out, so much easier.
The distraction isn't as great compared to home study.
But I couldn't leave them all to die too....

4 AM, yet I'm still whacking an unfamiliar module,
the most unprepared paper is 10 hours later.
Advanced maths, screw it seriously.
I need a tutor like how i did to the rest, I doubt i can manage it properly.
Everyone is like me, lost completely.
So who will be my savour?

So demoralising.
But What's done is done, time to move and whack the others.
I feel like killing myself for making such a mistake.
Failure to get A is not an option.

2010-09-04T23:59:00.001+08:00

Welcome to the world.
18 years already and One year older.....

When Somebody said I'm going to leave the pugilist world,
It set me thinking. Soon enough, maybe it will be my turn.
But now, the time has reached its prime.
Whether I'm going to hit my target will depend on the coming 2-3 years.

The week in loft made me super tired, exam modules are pretty brainwashing.
I have nth but formulas, methods and questions in my head.
Super no life.
So I'll wash my hands on the day of birth.
Studying on your birthday is simply ridiculous.

Probably the toughest times on my birthday.

The clock hits 12 MN, it feels different.
Probably my mind is play tricks on me.

2010-09-03T08:32:00.003+08:00

A review for what i've done for this week.
I stayed at the loft from Monday till today(friday).
Main focus = study, to finish the 12 exam paper within the week.

Result?
Not done.

My schedule was 6 PM to 12 MN, chill and relax.
12 MN to 3 AM, gaming.
3 AM to 7AM, study. Then slept to 2-3PM.
The cycle went on till today.

The only difference is going out to play on Thursday night.
KTV @ Bugis!
Was sort of a farewell outing for Hong Kun, for she is going to China!
4 Months. It looks long....
We K-ed till morning 4 AM(5 hrs?), went to airport and sent her off.
See you 4 Months later!

No one got camera, So i took some. Didn't have the habit of doing so but yea, got this much decent ones.

After which, I headed back to Loft.

So, here I am, back at the loft.
Met Iz omw to school, he got his first paper to do today.
He was still mugging.
He made me realised, what on Earth have I been doing for the past few days.
I'm supposed to hit my goal, 12 paper completed.
Currently, I have none finished.

I've counted my days left, its 4. Time is still ticking.
This loft was supposed to be productive, but it isn't at all.
Not as compared to Home study.
I have to really concentrate hard to hit what I need to.
Otherwise, I am doomed.

Jiayou XK. You can do it.

2010-09-01T05:21:00.006+08:00

Today's bus ride to school(at 11+) was one of the best ride.

Here you see, the bus is empty, only me =)
Its like a personal bus chauffeur that brings you around.
Feels good.

The disappointing thing is it took 20 mins to reach school from home.
Where did the initial D 52 bus go?
Where the bus does little drifts and reach school from home in 15 mins?
Service deteriorated, from 15 mins to 18 mins, to now 20 mins =P

Oh well, at least its a personal bus to school.

How am I going to prevent myself from more injuries?
My ankle is pretty weak and may injure anytime(almost today).
The recent training injured my right wrist(must be too much swinging)
Sigh.

2010-08-29T23:38:00.003+08:00

Type sth nice.
Do I have anything nice to talk about?
lets see.....

Holiday is booked at December....
This time, all the families are in.
After so long, the Yeo family is back to join us.
Its been a while since we all went out on a trip together.
The families that went overseas together.
Now to mention, they haven't been with us ever since we went for other countries.
China, Thailand etc. Only Malaysia.
And this time, we are going Malaysia.
Horray??

Its still a long way to go.
Exams and competitions are still on the way.
I've calculated my probability of scoring the same GPA, ZERO.
Took in factors and at most, one of my core, will get a B+.
Unless some Miracle happens, which is very unlikely.
3 exam modules, Confidence of scoring all A is very very low.
Lowest in history.
So demoralising till I didn't touch the books even today.
1 more week for me to "hug the 佛's leg"....

Back to the main topic.
I don't really have anything nice to say.
Everything seems dull, Alone emo-ing.
Quiet.
The environment I'm in, leading everyday without any activities.
And the events that took place....
Probably leads to the emo me.

2010-08-25T03:23:00.004+08:00

I don't wanna scold anyone that don't come training anymore.
Its their business, if they don't want to.
I should start thinking about myself more often.

AND Those who say something, please for goodness sake do it.
Don't just say it for fun. Its not that I want to scold you.
But it your actions makes it unbelieveable and hard to shoot you on impulse.
Whatever you try to compensate won't work.
Ultimately, I lost something.
You can't really compensate what I've lost because It's mine.
And I try to make sure that I gain something else in return to make myself feel better.
You did it again. WELL DONE. I'm Speechless.
Is it a good reason to work with myself more often?

Behind every curtain shows an unforseen act.

2010-08-23T00:53:00.002+08:00

I looked at the sky and saw the full moon again,
Thinking about something that failed recently.
I thought the brainwash/psycho-ing was a success.
Apparently only works for the mind, not the sub-conscious one.
I may be able to deceive my mind, but not the other.

It just take 2 hours of sleep, for my mind to break away the mind-control.
What you dream of is usually what you want and hope for,
thats the sub-conscious mind playing.
It was great actually, till the extent you want to sleep on.
But I was wide awake to tell myself what the reality was.
Plus I haven't ate my dinner, thats when i went out and saw the moon....

For the next 2 hours I couldn't stop thinking about it.
Only after consistently telling myself the chances are pretty slim,
then my mind finally gave up. This is not gonna end.

I think it will take months or even years in order to change the sub-conscious mind.
Till then, this thing will carry on until it is actually fulfilled or achieved.

.....
Now that YOG performance has ended, I feel so reluctant to hit the books.
2 weeks should be enough for 3 modules. Plus slack a bit here and there.
My chances of retaining the same GPA is very very low.
My guess, cumulative would be 3.4*
From 3.68(1) to 3.51(2) to the upcoming 3.4*

时时刻刻...

2010-08-19T18:43:00.007+08:00

The excruciating pain I'm going through is hell.
Pulling out 4 tooth with anesthetic feels normal, no pain.
But the aftermath is the nightmare.
The pain is throbbing a few beats per second. Thats how serious it is.
Although I've consumed painkillers, its still bloody pain.
Wonder if it worked in the first place. If i did, imagine amplifying the pain by twice or thrice.
Bet normal people will wanna kill themselves to end this torment, this misery.
I've tried to sleep my way through to reduce the pain, but i couldn't sleep.
I laid on the bed for 3 hours already....
And yes, wow to the amount of blood I've already lost.....

The amount of pain is good enough to keep certain feeling off my mind.
With just pure pain, nothing else.
I think this is not my max yet, i can go on further.
The first time I'm hoping the pain can last longer...

i hope my eyes are deceiving me.

2010-08-15T03:16:00.004+08:00

i hate injuries.
Especially when it hinders my progress to my targets.
Those targets are so far away, as if its impossible to reach them.
First, flexibility. I'll be content with both leg being able to touch my head.
Next, 720 for all the nan du! Hell yea, bai lian 720 is within my reach....

This ankle of mine is giving me problems at the wrong time. I know that we don't have time to get injured. The biggest challenge is coming. Why now?
Wonder if there is time to see the doc.
Wonder how long can ankle guard hold it together.
Wonder how many more injuries i can withstand.
Got 3 already.

One said that we can overcome anything if we are united. In my heart, we are always united. Probably we all don't see it. But i trust my feel. We can do it, like how we used to.
We just need mutual trust and understanding.
I know its not easy, but it takes time.
Just don't give up.

The period of Uncertainty

2010-08-13T23:57:00.003+08:00

My confidence got struck hard.
Right after looking at someone doing his taolu.
Although its not completed, all of a sudden this fear hit me.
Just by a small 组合, i feel so pressurized.
Imagine someone doing better than your specialty,
all that you have trained for, gone.

How to face international competitors when you can't beat local ones?

Maybe I should look at other perspective.
Just take his 组合, and make my "invincible" taolu more imba.
That would be the future.

Since the chances of more than 1 gold medal is high in 4th world,
might as well work our way together and grab them all.

I definitely need more time polishing my ace.
Make sure that no one surpass me, which i feared the most.
If not, I'm good for nothing.

----------------------------------

I looked at the certs i got from Hong Kong international Comps,
8.70 for the solo Pudao.
8.21 for not warming up properly.

So which should i gauge, are they accurate?

insecurities in every way. Academic, Wushu etc....

2010-08-10T00:47:00.004+08:00

Inception was first written 9 years ago.
The Movie was produced only last year, 2009.
Strangely, I had the same idea around that period.

An idea of using dreams to convey messages.
Although its much simpler than the ones we see in the movies,
I had that idea without even knowing this superb movie is coming out.
So, did someone entered my dreams and stole the idea?
hehe.

---------------------------------

Sunday was spent together with childhood friends.
KT, my sis and I stayed in TY's house.
Went around at night with car for supper and a walk at the henderson wave.

Its nice..... experienced tranquility.
The combination of wind and clouds made it awesome.

It made me think of the past. My dream when I was a kid.
I wished to be an astronaut. Why?
Because of the mystery of space, its vast and still many unknown out there.
I thought that one day, I will be in the space shutter, looking down on Earth.
I bet it will be beautiful.

Things changed. Now I want to go on a space tour.
Going out there and relax..... Now thats the deal.
There are so many things that I haven't try, Want to try.
There are lots of restrains now.
And For now, I've got to work hard and then achieve all those.
A goal.

And today, i've witnessed sth that happened to me before.
Parents are naggy because they care.
But sometimes they overdo it, making us pissed off.
Usually, people that are pissed can't think as much, so their visions are narrower.
They only see that our parents are complaining over the slightest matter.
Most of the time the slightest matter are important, but we can't see it.
So the question.
If such things ever happen to me again, will i be the thinker or non-thinker?

But i think, Most importantly, we should know when to let things go....

Science mysteries/myths was always super interesting.
Probably thats why my Science could excel, because of interest.

2010-08-08T03:22:00.003+08:00

Inception was awesome.
What was more awesome was that I watched it alone.
Plus, its midnight show.
My mode of transport?
My Bicycle. About 20-25 mins, I'm home.

When I reached outside the cinema in the beginning before the show started,
I realised that everyone else was in groups.
And at most, a pair.
Even the combo I ordered, the drinks come in a pair.(I drank both)
It was crowded, but not surprising, its a Saturday. (the theatre was full)

This is my first time watching alone.
Usually when you have no one to watch with, you won't go and watch.
And so, everything has its first time.
This was my first.

Feels weird and pathetic.

My trusty bike with brakes having a little bit of problem =/

When you lean too much weight on one side, the bike will fall.
Without weight, a little support can do the trick.
If the weight was distributed evenly, Not one sided, things will not fall.

Sleeping late every night screwed my life. 4AM now, going to bed, just like yesterday.....

2010-08-06T01:10:00.002+08:00

FREEDOM!

of work.

2010-08-04T02:20:00.002+08:00

Postpone nats Competition a good thing?
Probably less busy for exam period.
I wonder, why they kept on postponing.
Are they going to take Nationals out?
Regardless.

Gives me a little more time to prepare Taiji. Or not?

2010-08-02T08:03:00.004+08:00

Right. woke up 8AM in the morning.
Here I am again, resorting to last minute work.
Recently, I said that I should not resort to last minute work.
Start it swift, end it fast.
But why am I doing it again?

I found 2 answers.
My planning and the feel.
Perhaps they are closely linked together, true or not I'm not sure.

So what happens is that the way I plan my schedule is squeezing everything together.
Today, I'll do 1, 2 ,3 and 4.
No break whatsoever, I've the whole day to do.

So, next comes the feel. I've got the WHOLE DAY to do all these task.
I drag it on and on. Plentiful of Distractions.
When I realised time is running out, its already too late.
Inadequate sleep will result in screwing up everything.
So, I Start work around 11pm. Slept at 2.
Here I am continuing work.

But after thinking of this further, I backtracked a little more.
Why do I plan just air tight schedule?
What have I been doing for the past few days?
One word. Slack.
Never really been planning. Only at the last min, a schedule is formed and work is being done. Usually I don't stick to it. But things get done =/

So, its my mistake not to plan things early.
I'll have to try this next semester.
Because the game has just begun.
Today, 1 Presentation, assignment and heavy percentage quiz.
Tml, SIN project deadline.
Wed, another project deadline.
Thurs, my fear, Advanced maths assignment submission.
Friday, Online tutorial submission, 4 tutorial lagged.

Next week, YOG week.
2 weeks for training + study.
Taiji, Jiti Quan, 9 whip, Pudao(not much to worry since I don't need to add zhuan ti).
3 paper + Nationals(taiji) + birthday(worst ever)

After that week, Tioman trip.
Preparation for YEP. Then 2 weeks of YEP.
Come back then few days later, 4TH WORLD TRAD. OMG.
And possibly that Shaolin Comp in china(wonder if its still on.)
Come back from overseas comp, few days later, IVP.

So the 2 weeks study break is super crucial for training,
cause I have not much time left.

This is my first time thinking so far ahead. Dead serious.

2010-07-31T01:44:00.002+08:00

I'm falling into the trap again.
Gaming addiction.
How did I notice?

I was playing dota every single day without fail.
During school break, at least one round.
I wasn't playing very well, in fact, losing most of the time.
So I asked myself a question, why I kept on losing?
It brought me to another question, why am I playing it when I keep on losing?

I came to an agreement in the past to reduce gaming time,
All because I kept on losing. And it did work somehow.
And today, I'm going back to square one.
How did I stop myself from that? I've no idea.

So, How on earth am I going to stop myself from falling into the same trap?
When I have a mountain load of deadline due next week?

2010-07-29T00:40:00.002+08:00

It never pays to sleep late.
My dear Mum always mention that.
And of course, I know.

I woke up late for lesson at 8AM.
I skipped that one hour lecture.
Doesn't really matter.

What matters was the upcoming Practical test.
2 of them today.
My mind couldn't function properly for the whole day.
All because I slept at 3AM.

I did what my mind could recall. But when comes to fault finding,
I couldn't see a single thing at all.
Circuit Shows error, but I CAN'T SEE.
At the last min, I panicked, I change the circuit.
It was actually correct.....

First Test down, What are my chances scoring A for that module?
ZERO.
Demoralizing enough, very high disappointment.
Then came the second practical test.
The whole thing was wrong except one part.
That's even worse. Can consider a fail.

All my classmates were like,"Aiya nvm la."
What nvm?!
Thats the difference between an A student and a mere pass student.

When our standards are higher, our expectations will be another level higher.
As a result? Higher disappointment.

But whats the use? It's over. Gone, forever.
When the grade paper/results comes out,
thats when we blame ourselves, nothing more.

Other people are contented with just a pass.
I'm not in that group.
In this stream of academic years, I aim to be a perfectionist.
test all 100/100.
Which I know, its possible but difficult.
So with another target, to beat those imba foreign students.
Its also impossible.

The difference between them and us is.....
Total utter silence. I've witnessed.
Their lecture was ABSOLUTELY QUIET.
It was really scary, the way they do things, no life I would say.
No point torture ourselves for this.
Might as well live to our fullest.
And be contented that you get an A.

GPA gonna fall again....

2010-07-25T03:23:00.002+08:00

Despite the fact that my teeth hurts,
I just eat. Probably slower than before.
Had chicken rice, I swallow the rice.
Had Pasta, slowly chew, then swallow.
Had KFC, used fork and knife to slice the meat into smaller pieces.
Does it affect me?

Nothing except one thing, the feeling of "suan" and "tired" on the gum.
Its super irritating. I just feel like biting my teeth, but i can't.
It hurts =/

My sis is back from Korea.
Its a ~~overseas study trip~~ vacation for her.
Gives me a feeling of wanting to go overseas and enjoy a vacation.

All of a sudden, I feel afraid to compete.

2010-07-22T01:01:00.003+08:00

Why did I do that?
I'm not sure.
I'm aware of the pain, I just felt like going through it.
It's better to go through pain then feeling sth else.
Keeps my mind off it.

Injuries are only temporary.
After a while it wears off....

Less than 3 more weeks till the end of school.
Which means the time is about to come.
+ 3 weeks till exam and Nationals.
And I haven't prepare for anything yet.

Exams, 3 paper.
Taiji quan, Taiji jian. (6 weeks deadline?)
Pudao.
Jiu Jie Bian.
OH, and still got Jiti. (9+ weeks deadline?)

Time is really really running out.
And Not even one item is ready.

2010-07-21T00:39:00.004+08:00

I'll make this a quick post.
Apparently I can't sit still properly,
There is this weird feel at my ass.
The best part is, I can't stand properly because my knee hurts. AND
I can't walk properly.
So i should Lie down and just die on my bed.

I'm injured alright. Imagine your bones protruding at the back.
You can feel that it is swollen.
Stupid YOG. Next time we should make a rule.
NEVER ADD GUN FAN IF YOU HAVE TO ROLL ON HARD FLOOR.
I need a doc seriously.....

Thank goodness I took 52 back.
I reached my house bus stop in 18 mins.
MAX TUNE 52! But it did not unleash its fullest potential.
What a safe driver =X

Random facts.
Guys can't pick signal and hints.
So if you want to tell a guy anything, JUST TELL HIM.

2010-07-19T23:59:00.002+08:00

Today, I've learnt sth new.
There are three types of attachment style.

1)Secure Relating
2)Avoidant Relating
3)Anxious Relating

First one is pretty obvious, no difficulties whatsoever, No issues being dependent on others or vice versa. And of course, optimistic views about relationship.

Second one is Highly independent.
-Uneasy/nervous with being close to other people deny needing close relationships.(true?)
-Difficulty in trusting others or depending on them
-View themselves as self-sufficient and invulnerable to feelings associated with being closely attached to others.

Third, overly dependent on their partners.
-Doubt their worth as a partner and blame themselves for their partners' lack of responsiveness.
-Feel that others are reluctant to get as close as they would like to.
-Often anxious that their partners won’t love them or stay with them.
-Want more close connection with their lovers, sometimes scaring them away.
-Become overly dependent on their partners.

2 and 3 are the most common attachment style out there.
Which one are you?

----------------------

In the beginning, thinking of it makes my blood boil.
Now, I'm feeling not as bad as just now.
If you forgo the 8D7N adventure camp and turn it into 4D3N,
Just for that particular camp, you will find its a pretty good deal.
Thats if you weigh the pros and cons.
But After forgoing, you realised that that exchange didn't turn out supposed to be.
End up you lose at both ends.
How would you feel?

Imagine that everything was in order, and there was a sudden disruption.
It spoils your plans, how would you feel?
You do so much just for the future, everything in vain.
How would you feel?

Time is of its essence.
When everything draws closer, its super pressuring.
I believe everyone has gone through their fair share of pressure.
I need more preparation because I have something extra, and its not related.
It's a challenge I'm taking, I can't withdraw.
It's a matter of choice, whether you want or not.
I choose to take it up and not backing out at the last min.

If everything was well prepared, I don't have to worry about anything.
But the truth is I don't.
So I get less time for certain things, is it really fair?
For me? and maybe for the others?
Do I deserve that?
Do you deserve it?

Think before you act.
I did my thinking. And I think you deserve it.
You have nothing to lose, and I have everything to lose.
We are teammates, and I know it isn't fair in your point of view.
But what about mine? Have you realised what mess you got me into?
I'm no god. Neither am I superman.
I'm doing my best as an ordinary student, with that just nice schedule.
I have one more worry that set in. Do you?

Is it that difficult to just inform earlier?

2010-07-19T01:03:00.002+08:00

Strike when the iron is hot.
The consequences of not striking it hits me again.
I planned to do my report assignment on Sunday.
A report based on a movie I've watched like last Monday.
On that day itself, after I've watched the movie,
I've got super lots of things to type.
But today, My Words Doc is still empty.
My mind is wandering, thinking and doing all the other stuff.
But not the assignment.

Here I am blogging instead of working on the assignment.
Get what I mean?

I deserve what I get, really.
When it comes to last min work, I can ace it easily.
Be it Presentation, Assignment or Tutorial.
All last min.
So sometimes I wonder, What on earth am I really doing?
With the last min work standard, most of the time I can get high marks.
But why don't I put a little bit more effort in the work I do?
Distinctions will be within my reach.

I keep telling myself, if I do this and that, I will get this and that.
But where are all the actions?
I find it difficult to keep in schedule.
All my work are spread-ed out nicely, I definitely have at least a week to do.
But why resort to last min?

Slacking is my expertise.
Most of the time, I'm slacking.
But when deadlines drew VERY close, work is being done.

Here comes the question.

Is it better to slack all the way then last min do work?
OR
Finish the work early, Slack for the rest of the time?

Obviously, the second option will sound better, less worry in the end.
But from what I've learnt, I can never finish early, I will always drag to the end.

I also believe I will not stop thinking about the finished assignments.
Like all of a sudden when your friend starts saying,
"EH! you do finish this already?"
Then I'll look at that thing and see if I've done correctly or not.
Most of the time I'll spot mistakes, And there I am doing it again.

So, How am I going to change for the better,
And start doing things using the second option???
I've got no idea....

Thankfully, I can survive in engineering with this.
But If I was in Science courses, what will my world be??
I can't imagine.

With the right state of mind, but a lazy mind,
What can I possibly do to change this habit/attitude of mine?
Is it a consistent push OR a consistent Mind Psycho-ing?

2010-07-16T00:07:00.003+08:00

Today, Somebody accomplished something.
Something that I haven't seen for months.
Something I haven't achieve for a long while.

The willingness to continue training after dismissal.

What does that prove?
It proves that I'm incapable.
I don't have that ability, to do what it takes for people to do sth like that.
Our training method is a little different,
but yet the responses seem so much different.

I've asked myself why.
Is it because of the PT at the end?
Doesn't really matter. Cause if we compare both Thursdays,
we both don't have PT.
OUT.

Is it because the training intensity isn't there?
At the start, its more tiring.
Then, Ji Ben Gong not totally covered.
Bu Fa only 1 lap.
Normal learning of Routines.
Normal showtime.
They seem like not tired at all.
Maybe thats the deal. Not tired enough.

So what is it really that failed?
To be Honestly, at the start, I find it okay.
Ji Ben Gong part, really, wtf?

Maybe what we usually do in Sino cannot be applied to NP Wushu.
Not even a quarter to a third of the training schedule.
I really take my hats off.

If this plan really works, and if it benefits the team as a whole,
I won't mind.

Does giving up training time for sth else shows that
I'm passionate about Wushu?

Have you been injured during Wushu lessons?
*underlined all the body parts listed*

2010-07-11T03:03:00.002+08:00

An Awesome week is gone.
A week spent on training mostly.
Honestly, I'm tired.
=(

Its only week 1.
There's sth wrong somewhere.
I have to rethink of a strategy.
Its not good to just keep chiong-ing training.
Cause I will not survive for long.

I have other worries to touch on. EG, ASSIGNMENTS.
And more worries sets in like half a day ago.
It seems like Competition is on my Birthday.
Thats great.
It can be a good birthday gift, I just hope I can make it for a medal in Taiji.
It can also be one of the worst birthday ever.
Probably because Exams is right after my day.
That SERIOUSLY SUCK TO THE MAX.

I also recently realised I've 4 Competitions this year.
Most of them, is after holidays.
Which is not so bad, I've got holidays to train up.
BUT THE THING IS I DON'T!

After Exams, Holiday, that includes...
Tioman Camp, followed Closely by YEP Trip...
AND FOLLOWED CLOSELY 4TH WORLD TRAD. OMG.
I'll probably have to bring the trustworthy FEIYUE to China.
Self training is a must over there.
I can't afford to slacken over that period of time.
2 weeks can make a HUGE difference.
Too bad I can't bring my Pudao Over LOL.
Probably get a stick to train with =/

Oh man, better sleep now.
TRAINING ON SUNDAY, last training of the week.
Its 3.22AM.

NO MISTAKES. All must go according to plan, if not GG.
But first, what to start with?

2010-07-09T23:28:00.002+08:00

Second Sino Training after a long time.
And I've SURVIVED!

The standard Ji Ben Gong +
Standard fen duan +
Hardcore PT
=
Morale increase!

I thought my back will restrict me as usual.
Miraculously, it didn't!
I did ALL the Ji Ben Gong, without much strain.
Well. With little strain....
Its a bad move to apply Counterpain.
The side effects came in when we started the 跳。
So Basically, anything with regards to lifting the leg up = problem.
No choice but to force my way out, its only 跳 badly done.

And Today, I have to thank LEE AN.
Cause ITs MY FIRST SUCCESS IN HOLDING THE PUDAO AND DOING A ZHUAN TI.
He did his usual guan lan throwing.
So I played along.
Accidentally, I replied with a loud tone," I CAN DO A ZHUAN TI WITHOUT ANYTHING ON MY HAND WITHOUT ANY TROUBLE."
So he dared me. No choice, have to do it. So I did it like I've said. Without any trouble.
After beautifully doing the Zhuan ti, eagerly I took up my pudao.
AND WAALA. SUCCESS!
Without LEE AN, I wouldn't have managed to overcome that obstacle in my heart....
I need more time now...

After that, comes the close shave part.
Subsequent zhuan ti with pudao, didn't succeed.
Probably I'm just tired.
I always land on my KNEE and My feet.
At one point of time, I ALMOST TWISTED my left ankle.
It was like less than an inch to being sprain or not.
I stopped after that.
If not, I'll get myself injured and GG.
2 months gone. Cancel out one Comp, if unlucky 2.

Its only the second training in Sino. And I've seen that bit of improvement.
Regardless if its Taiji OR Wushu.
Its still an improvement.
Despite the fact I started training with an injured Toe,
I cleared training with just a bit of endurance.(ESP Pai Tui Part)
So its true, there's nth to worry for my back.
Just don't excessively overuse it.

What I've wrote yesterday, Won't be much of a problem if this improvement remain at a constant pace.
In no time, I'll be super combat ready.
Its not easy to take out so much time for this week.
I've quite a number of Assignments piling up.
AND Hu JL changed some of my mistakes!
Woo!
Okay, not so Woo, its a mistake he said before the last time.
Its was being said like months, or maybe even a year ago.
At least its a reminder.

I realised sth. My 弹跳 looks like it has deteriorated.
Thats looks bad. Now, to find a solution for this problem....

2010-07-09T00:18:00.002+08:00

I'm currently fickle minded.

Here's the question.
What am I aiming for in Wushu now?
My plan was to focus on Wushu, 2 years later, Taiji.
I've taught many members. Techinques.
Am I really Applying them?
Like they usually say, 说得容易，做得难(easier said than done).
It takes time to change.

But what is my mistake in the first place?
There is no one to Change my 动作!
The other time Hu JL came,
I was exiled to the corner to take those with no wushu base.
I know, if not for my injury, i should be with the rest.

Today's training was not so bad, at least Issac saw one mistake.(thanks)
My head is moving forward while kicking.
Could be my leg side effect, I'll see what I can do...
Asked if my leg was bent, no. Good thing.

I miss Qing JL pinpointing my mistakes.
If only there was someone that can do that to me all the time.
A need.
If not, the next 2 years is wasted.
In that case, I rather stop teaching and skip thursday training.
Go down Sino at least got a little bit of hope.

After today's training Taolu Showtime,
I realised I'm not ready for 4th world at all.
Maybe its still a long time till that comp.
Countdown already 3 months left.
Make it 1, for The focus shift is now on Taiji.
And I'm not doing anything for it yet.
Sigh.

The back injury restricted me a lot.
The worst injury so far ever since.... Ankle one.

Still a little regret though.
Why must I be injured before Anhui Training.
Changed my Xuan Feng style, cannot hit 630 properly. SMLJ.
I could have make a big jump, but fail.
I fell back to the pit.
Worse than before.

At least that time was better, I have the drive to train.
But this time.... I'm losing the feel to train hard.
My mind kept on questioning whether my decision,
To do what i'm doing now is worth it or not.
Bringing back questions that I've already solved and put aside.
All the questions I brought up above are questions I've asked myself BEFORE.

And I think Cat's right.
How is it possible to train up within 2 months?
With the drive dying out, with the team I need to handle,
How is it even possible to train up?

----------------------------

I've Lost the feel, that motivation.
Exogenesis Overture.
As I've feared.
I need to search for new sources of motivation.
Strangely, redemption's feel didn't change much.
Does that mean anything?

The recent Neutron Star Collision works only for a while.
Guess that not every love is forever....

Ever since that enlightenment from that word, Obsession.
I realised I've lost a lot of feel.
Taiji 难度 feel....
Xuan Feng feel...
That feel....
Even the feel to train hard. The most important drive....
SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING.

2010-07-07T01:00:00.003+08:00

I was enlightened by a book.
It was this one word.

Obsession.

I didn't realise that until that book explained to me why its like that.
When you couldn't let go, and you said you can't do it.
And you don't know why. And you thought its because of some other reason.
Thats really not true.
Its just like self fulfilling prophecy. You say one, its one.
You can't let go, means can't let go.
Its how your mind really perceive.
Its an wide opener. Obsession.
I've learnt.

The door was open for a long time.
Its just whether you want to step in or not.
There are times when you need to shut the door.
And I think its about time.

When I'll open the door, I'm not sure.
I might never open it again.
I might open it probably years later.
Who knows when?

Speaking about doors.....
At the back alley of our clubhouse,
We were talking about doors.
Why are some doors unwilling to open.
No matter how much we do, its still the same.

But there is a belief going on.
I was burning the wood of the handle.
Honestly, its super hard to burn.
Takes super long to do it too.

Its the same theory.
It will take super long for some doors to open.
Its how much effort we put in to burn it down, open it up.
Some fine day, the door will open, just like when the handle is completely burnt.

That conversation made me skip my lesson.
I totally lost my sense of time and forgot that stupid one hour lecture.
I only realised I have that lesson after my training.
Sitting down at Mac, doing nothing but staring at things.

And I just realised. I haven't do anything to my blog.
Its so long since I've done anything to it.
Simply there's no time.
Anyways, a new link added.
My sister's Blog.
She's currently in korea studying.
Sounds cool.

The Nothing box in Man's brain is our favourite box....

2010-07-05T23:59:00.002+08:00

THE MOST HIONG TRAINING EVER.
HM, YL, CQ and ME went for training in Sino(katong)
We thought, so little people, won't so hiong one.
But end up, OMG, super intense.
And I fear, this is the BEGINNING.
Its been a while since I had a DECENT training.
Was intending to slowly recuperate and then try to attend more training in Sino.

PLUS

I need to try out what stuff I can't really do for training.
Now that my Back is given the GO flag to train, might as well not waste time.
And I got my answer.

MOREOVER.
I almost got myself into more trouble.
My Knee Cap hurts.
Always land wrongly.
Sooner or later, it might be my last Jump.

SADLY,
I'm forced to the corner once again.
Apparently I've to start Taiji like NOW.
Comps coming....
I need to salvage my situation.
Taiji needs a long long time to be combat ready.
Guess I have to stop leading training for a while....
And I have to welcome myself to the Emo corner once again...

And Welcome myself, where the intense time has come.

I want to reconcile the violence in your hearts....
First song in my mind for the day.

2010-07-04T15:32:00.006+08:00

My Eyes were still wide open at 5 AM.
Its really hard to stop the flow of thoughts.

From school work to Wushu to anything else I've experienced and think of.
For instance,
It somehow Clicked my mind, Xiao Xiao Kai.
It sounded super familiar when Gabriel announced it as his nickname.
But I didn't have time to think what was it.
If I'm not wrong, its the soft toy I gave to someone.
I wonder how has it been for that little guy.
Is he still on someone else table?
Or is he sealed in plastic bag at one corner?
Then others thoughts came by.
Till I fell asleep.

I woke up at 8 AM for usual breakfast.
So much for less than 3 hours of sleep.

Its at least a good start of the day. Because...

I was at Bukit Batok eating Lor Mee for breakfast!
It wasn't as unfamiliar as before, some part of memories start flowing back.
Good thing.

Since the Chinese doc is nearby, I went to take a look at my back.
And its good and bad news.
Good in the sense, its nth to be afraid of! its not serious!
Bad in the sense, I have to watch out for vigorous exercises for my back.
Its going to take 1-2 months to be fully recovered.

With less than 4 months left to train for 4th World,
I doubt I can afford that time.

--------

Sigh.
So much for being adventurous. I was doing some tweak for My Satio.
I took the risk and I managed to get my CONTACTS, MESSAGES and NOTES ERASED.
And I didn't back them up.
Screw it. The most important documents, memories all gone.
Guess I have to let it go....
Regrets. But...
Might not be so bad after all....

I have to continue!
I cannot let all of those goes to waste. I must get it tweaked!

Edits (1.12AM):
....
Bloody hell.
I spent the whole day trying to make it back to its original state.
For the whole day, I had a Spanish Satio....
Although can change language to english,
Its default is in Spanish.
What a joke....

instalando..... instalación completa!
(Installing..... Installation Complete!)

Victory! I did it!
Now, Time to find out what wonders can I do with it...

2010-07-03T02:44:00.001+08:00

One thing I've in common with my Siblings.
All of us are Emo kind. I just realised.
We all have different lifestyle, different interest.
Almost everything different.
But only this?
I wondered who was the first to be it.
It must have spread to all of us.

My back shows no improvements.

2010-07-02T03:54:00.000+08:00

Worth the risk?

2010-06-30T21:36:00.002+08:00

I hate days that start on a sad note.
Because the rest of the day will suck.

I woke up with a sad song stuck in my head.
I told my mum, I'll be visiting the doc.
It was when I realised that it will not be opened on Wed night.
~~So no choice, no doc today....~~
There isn't just one doc left in the world, I went for another one.

After that, came the saddest comment I've heard from my mum.
为什么还继续武术？
你练太极的，还做什么难度？

你又不时常练，所以那么多伤。
True, that made sense.
But how many times a week do i go for training? 3.
Thats quite a number.
But count productive ones? None.

Yesterday, i wanted to write a post about passion.
How we are passionate we are for wushu.
All those who are in wushu, especially old birds, do come to a point that wushu is us already.
We can't live without it.
Not going for training for 2 weeks feels like a year.
We never get tired of wushu.
Well there are certain point of time we do feel that way.
Nevertheless, we still miss it in the end.

And today, I questioned myself.
So what if I have that passion?
I'm still injured everywhere.
It still will hinder me.

Can Passion bring you further?
It can. It can also bring you further injuries.

Talk about injuries,
The doc was like saying I've already injured for 4 months!
I'm like huh? Since when?
It's a silent killer, I didn't even feel anything amiss for 4 months!
It came all the way from my 跨 that side.
Spread slowly to the leg and finally the back.
Its no wonder why for so long I still cannot Peng Tou.

-

还去什么比赛，别去算了。
Another sentence of dissuasion from my Mum.
All these training, What for?
For the competitions.
I've Placed my hopes on the final 2 years run.
How much can my body take before it collapse?
Its just like running 400m, I can sprint all the way without worries.
Being breathless is the only obstacle.
I just hope I can hold on for another 2 years.
And then I'll decide whether continuing Wushu would be a feasible path.

I have to put aside my goals....
720 旋风, 720 摆连, just 90 Degrees more...
Guess my right 劈叉 will never be able to go down...

The sacrifice is never knowing....

2010-06-28T18:47:00.001+08:00

Understanding Relationship.
First lesson of the week, second half sem.
Although there are facts that I knew already,
Its is nevertheless interesting...

Before I stepped out of my house,
I reminded myself. Don't let history repeat itself.
I must do my best in this IS Module.

...
I couldn't sleep at 4 AM last night.
As usual, I was running train of thoughts before I sleep.
It went on, and there was no stopping it.
All because of Hu JL.

All he said was, 把转体加进去。
Then Inspiration Kept coming.
And here I am, changing my Taolu again.
Vexing over it once again.

This time, I promise, I will 打 the 新套路打得轰轰烈烈.
I shall do my utmost to change for my 套路。
I shall not let Hu JL say no to my new improved Taolu!

But for now... screw it.
I can't seem to find a suitable part to 接 it.
Tml better try things out...
Wonder if my 背 can survive another training....
Just one more day, I shall 看 the doc.

I sound like my Understanding Relationship Lecturer now.
She likes to mix chinese and english together.

2010-06-28T01:30:00.007+08:00

Muhahhahaha!
Epic Tutorial!

This is the end of this short holiday.
Although its too short,
Its been worth while.

It ends with a smile and laughter =D
Thanks Hong Ming.

我说月亮是圆的。
她说星（心）是碎的。
两人的心同样是碎的。
两人的心是否有得救？

UPDATED

2010-06-26T03:10:00.002+08:00

Its been a long time since I had serious training.
Although yesterday wasn't the full scale training in Sino,
My back couldn't take the heat already.
Today, I woke up, holding my back all the way.
For lunch, my lesson and even now.

How on earth am I going to survive the full scale training?
~~How Am I going to Survive the performance later?~~
I managed to survive.
But My back got worse.
In no time I need to see the chinese doc again.
Sigh.
Minor scratches like today performance is nth.
Deep cut like the bukit timah performance is nth.
Nth as compared to some wounds....

Ever since that YOG performance popped up,
I couldn't breath to train by myself.
The 3-man Dui Lian.
The Jiu Jie Bian.

We definitely have no time for anything else.
Except training the New batch up.

So forgoing something is inevitable. But what?

Talk about forgoing something.
I haven't decide what I should forgo.
There is... Sth I wish to drop...
But till now, I haven't.
Good or bad, I don't know.
Some things never change....
There is some things however I hope it never change,
but it seems like it did.

To let go of something, is really impossible.
Unless you lose your memory forever.
It will be somehow a regret why you let things go.
Like How I let my studies come first when O lvl year is going on.
That is one regret I will never forget. A regret that bring in another one.
Like a domino.
That injury till today, affected my training as a whole.
I wondered. If I didn't do what i did a few years back.
Today, my life will be whole lot different.
Things will be more meaningful and things will be of no regrets.

Its over now, It can't reverse time and go back.
IF I CAN CHANGE SOMETHING IN MY LIFE.
That will be one of them.

There are some things that can still be salvaged.
I'm willing to. But there are things beyond my control.
I want to, but simply I don't have the time.
Now I get the meaning, loud and clear.
Forcing everything your way won't do you good, neither will it do to the others.

I'm now choosing a path, a path to put all my determination in it.
But that doesn't mean I have to follow it.
I can choose to stop what I pursue, and just do what I think will be the best.
Its all in a matter of choice, whether you want it or not....

I've got a comment from someone, saying I've become skinnier.
Thats bad news. I'm already skinny enough.
Surely I'm not going that worse am I?

2010-06-25T04:16:00.003+08:00

Someone set me thinking today.
It reminds me of someone.
Someone super familiar.
Thats me.

Heres the question.

Is resistance necessary?

In my family eyes, I'm probably the rebellious one.
Probably I don't voice out much, communication breakdown.
So it made me feel like someone.

I went and ask. Whats wrong?
And all I get is no answer, or rather cold one.
So I would like to ask that question, is resistance necessary?
It didn't appeal to me that I was like that.

Because I didn't voice out, no one really understand me.
So i ask myself, is resistance necessary?
We know that it won't do us any good.
But why are we still doing it?
Honestly, i couldn't answer it myself.
Let alone anyone else.

So i doubt i have the rights to question anyone else about it.
I wish i shouldn't and don't need to interfere affairs.
But i don't have a choice. For the sake of the bigger picture i have to.
I could have just mind my own business.
And let things just rot and die.

Communication breakdown is the worst.
Everyone will have their own perception and live in their world.
Things start to fall apart due to misunderstanding.
Both party will be at a loss.
Why don't everyone just think of the other mind is thinking?
Be it chinese chess, we can still apply strats in the real world.
Is it worth to play a war where both are losing?
We are trying our best to keep things going.
We tried so hard till we question oursleves:
“why are we doing this for?”

Simply for everyone.

Everyone has their own attitude.
Why complain about other people attitude when you don't look at YOUR own.
You get what you deserve by how you treat others.

Its 5am, i can't sleep.
So screwed.

2010-06-23T23:59:00.000+08:00

All of a sudden, i'm feeling super sad.
I don't know why, but it should have got to do with my dream.
I woke up, feeling not right.
Went out with my bro for lunch.
Ahead home and went to sleep again to avoid that feel.

Who would have known it got worse?
I opened up my piano, and straight away i played unintended and exogenesis part 3 without even thinking of what to play.
Lost my mood to even hit my plan.
The more I think the harder it gets.
Till the extent, should I even be doing it in the first place?

I've accomplished one already. One hard part.
It just keep going harder and harder.
And there I have it, the peak. But was looking at a long distance away.
Probably with a binoculars or sth.
The more I think, the more impossible i feel I can finish what i've started.

I'm going to raise a white flag soon. Thats how I feel.
But I know I can't.

2010-06-19T01:15:00.005+08:00

Firstly, HAPPY BIRTHDAY LEE SHUEN YEE!
I just realised sth.
We've fulfilled all the Multiple choice I gave you! (indirectly)

A)Your house
B)My house
C)KT's house
D)Outside

Spent the whole day out. (outside)
Watched Toy Story 3. (outside)
Played Pool. (outside)
Dinner at your house. (Your House)
Went to Ice cream Cafe. (outside)
Sent me and my sis back. (MY House)
Drop By Aunty Florence House to get Sino Keys. (KT's House)

I only have 3 pathetic pictures in my phone.
The rest in that DSLR.

For a moment I thought my Camera Phone went insane cause its in black and white.
Truth is, something hit its settings and it changed to black and white =/

The day is done, and there will be cake.

With Beer.

I was wondering why am I drinking beer.
Was reluctant to drink it at first.
Cause there isn't a need to.
But then, I had a feeling to drink,
So I popped it.

And My feeling was right.
That Stupid WZ Coach License results letter came.
And I failed Oral and Written paper.
HU GANG SAID WE PASSED IT ALL.
WTF.
Totally 一场欢喜,一场空.
Just that the 空 came later.

I knew I didn't do well for my oral.
Yet I chose to trust him....
The only thing that passed is my 长器械.
If it didn't pass, I think I've wasted my time.
My grades suffered because of this.
And I didn't do well for that either.

Sigh....
My fault.
For making myself too busy.....

2010-06-16T02:16:00.002+08:00

HELL YEA, WOOOHOO!
FINALLY DECODED SPACE DEMENTIA.
After like ages....

Practising it will take even longer time.
Sigh =(

=D
I couldn't stop smiling.

2010-06-15T00:58:00.002+08:00

To Answer my previous post.

"What makes your money and that time you spent running worth?"

"You run with your friends/someone you wish to run with, you enjoy it = worth.
OR
You run at your speed, you pushed to the limits, you get that satisfaction = worth."

Well, the best answer is both.
But how often do you get someone at your (my case, insane) speed?
And who is willing to be as crazy as you?
Choosing one will be inevitable....

So, you can never get the best of both worlds.
Just like how i got 弹跳 but no 柔韧性.
I'm not a super athlete.
Whether I can become one is another thing.
There bound to be some restrictions in everything.

"Do you complete the race with, or without friends by your side?"
I've got my answer.....

--------

Today. At night,
I was being dragged to the corner. My bro's room.
My dad asked me to come, so I did.
He was searching world cup matches.
But apparently he got some Chinese Chess thing.
And there goes another lecture + practical. It's a good thing, I know.

It goes on and on, for hours.
Till the extent, I was making mistakes cause i didn't see.
And my dad reprimand me for that mistake.
ITS NOT JUST ONCE BY THE WAY, I KEPT QUIET.
CAUSE ITS MY MISTAKE TO NOT SEE IT. BUT IT WENT ON AND ON.
TILL THE EXTENT I WAS ABOUT TO BURST INTO TEARS AND JUST FUCKING WALK OUT.
But I managed to keep myself calm somehow.
There was a reason why I do not like to play Chinese Chess with my Dad.

Probably the same reason why I didn't let my dad coach me E Maths during Sec 3.

....
Come to think of it, I think he saw what was happening and he changed his tone.
But my mind was exhaustive till the extent:
"Why am I doing this?"
Without any much consideration.

I wonder anything will really go into my mind, The Sponge effect.
The trick that he showed me like last year, I couldn't remember it today.
I know there was such thing, but I can't remember how its being done.

Today was a day I went to school.
Was pretty unexpected. Some PPP module just popped up.
And there we are, in school. And there goes my day, unproductive.
Well, maybe not totally unproductive.

The lecturer was talking about SFP, self fulfilling prophecy.
When you think negative, everything will become negative.
I know that, but just can't help it....

Conclusion.
Can I call this day unproductive?
Well, Maybe... If i say so, it will be....

2010-06-14T01:24:00.003+08:00

Mizuno 10km Run is over.
But the Question isn't answered.

"Do you complete the race with, or without friends by your side?"

By completing by your side means cross the finish line together.
In this short run, I did it on my own, at the last part.
At the final 2.5 km, I took off on my own.
Its a short run, so I challenged myself.
After all, if you put an effort in the Run, you made your money worth.
I'll probably die at the speed i like to go.
Makes my stamina die off faster.

But the question is, what makes your money and that time you spent running worth?
Which relates to my first question.
You run with your friends/someone you wish to run with, you enjoy it = worth.
OR
You run at your speed, you pushed to the limits, you get that satisfaction = worth.

I wished i could come up with an answer.

2010-06-12T02:58:00.005+08:00

After the final paper, it all seems so relief.
Like you dropped a 10kg off you.
The once chained up mind, feels so light.
Every breathe you take in, is like refreshing.
(although the air stinks.)

I realised i didn't plan what to do during the break.
I wonder i have enough time to carry out what i was supposed to do,
before the term starts....
But anyway, one thing I will carry on doing....

Thats right, decode and learn piano pieces.
Thats Exogenesis part 2.
Thats not even half way through.
Thats not easy to play.

I sat on the very same bus, very same seat again.
But It feels different this time round.
And this came in my mind....
如果所有的错重来一次,能否改变结局.

2010-06-10T00:07:00.004+08:00

When I questioned myself what I've become,
The only answer is I'm failing and falling.
I was not longer who I am in the past.

For all I can remember, it started with having a thought.
"What Happens when someone you love leaves you all of a sudden?"
I had it when I was Pri 6.
And that was when I started to quiet down.

But I did my part, and did well for my side.
And slowly, things changed.
It was a Downfall.
I topped my class in first sem.
And Next thing i knew, I was second in second sem.
Who knows what i will drop to at the end of this sem.
I Did a lot of blame pushing during this period.

It was only yesterday, I went to the specs shop to get a new pair of glasses.
The guy there told me to take extra care of the one i'm wearing,
As it may break any moment.
When I reached home, it broke.
It was really "WTF".
I ran out of daily lens, so I have no choice but to fix it up myself.
It so happens that I couldn't find any decent tape to fix it,
Which leaves me no choice but to use my first aid tape.
I blamed my luck for it.

The next day, after my papers, I went home.
And since it's still pretty early,
I went to get the usual Blueberry Waffle.
As i crossed to road, my havaianas broke apart.
I'm forced to walk one feet barefooted home.
Although I have spare set of havaianas at home,
I blame my luck again.
But then Something changed my mindset...

u all lost becos of host

Every time I'll play a round of dota,
I'll lose most of the time =/
I'll get pissed because of it.

We lost that round ^ alright.
The host was playing a fool.
Chatting most of the time.
We could have won but because we lack the team effort spirit,
We lost.
Difference was, I wasn't pissed.
I went to lie down and think for a reason behind it.

And I realised that round was really fun.
Is there a need to win it at all?
I highly doubt it.

I have forgotten the basic like everyone would.

To enjoy the journey not end results, they are bonuses.

All the basic mindset I should have, all forgotten.
Looking at different perspective is another one.
I've used my specs and slippers for quite some time,
Inevitable for both to spoil.
Now i see things much clearer.
And I didn't expect that a game of Dota can enlighten me like that =/

At the end of the day, It isn't me anymore.

COME ON, ONE LAST PAPER AND I'M FREEE....
Finish it once and for all, I'm already very distracted.
I've started to learn Exogenesis part 2, and it sounds....
Awesome, but still need more improvement. A LOT more.

2010-06-06T02:50:00.002+08:00

Was okay till I reached home.
A flu hit me.

For the rest of the time, I sneezed.
Piled up tissue beside me.
Starts to cough, throats unwell.

Super unbearable.
Have to go on, I can't put the white flag up now.
Besides, its a little flu, it can't stop me.....
But I can't think anymore.
I am forcing my memory and brain to work harder.
Just a little while more....

Comeon, you can do it.
One more week of nonsense.
Then a well deserved break.

Best combination. Being Sick + Common Test.

2010-06-04T00:30:00.002+08:00

Have a little faith....

...

Why am i reading a book like before Common test and I haven't study anything at all?

Great, Common test just around the corner.
And i have a feel i'm going to be ill.

Edits: I am.

2010-06-03T00:50:00.002+08:00

One more week and I'll Smile like that!

2010-06-02T01:58:00.002+08:00

Fear.
It's all I have left.
I once fear 转体, because of the injured ankle.
I overcome it already. (although the ankle isn't in good state)

Now, an obstacle in my heart.
The fear of doing 转体 with 扑刀.
Right now, even holding a 棍 got problem already.
Let alone holding an actual 扑刀.
Why is it so?
Normal 转体 = no problem, its as good as before.
But I kept on trying with 棍, and all i get was falling flat on the floor.

Thank goodness, its only artificial grass, its softer than normal ground.
If not, I would have repeated the past. The scar on my right hand....
Plus, make my Knee more Cui.
The 对练 Cui-ed my knee already.
Its only the first move, and yet, i landed on my right knee.
Adding another so called fear.

I Fear for my studies as well.
Advanced Maths + PCN.
Thats for sleeping in class for most of the lesson.
It's my fault, I shouldn't have kept myself that busy.
Till the extent I grasped for air, insufficient sleep.
I tried too hard to keep it out of my mind, it worked temporary though.
Now, Falling Academic, a potential C or even a D for IS.
A GPA killer.

Endless fears.
Endless resistance.
Its not the last of me.

Hold on, Hold on, we'll move along.

2010-05-31T23:37:00.005+08:00

What did he mean by 你的扑刀力点错？
I still can't figure it out which part he's referring to.
Was he referring to the whole thing or just one portion?
I've suspected one part though....
Regardless, Just another random thoughts I have for the whole day.

Clear this Common Test, and YOU are a freeman once again.
And I just realised Exogenesis is my current source of motivation...

2010-05-28T23:45:00.002+08:00

I slept for the whole day....
What a great way to spend a public holiday.

Am I really that tired?

2010-05-25T23:11:00.003+08:00

One of our dear freshie went to the ground.
She couldn't take on the 400m.
All I have to say is, take your time, don't follow my footstep.

It looks like history repeats itself.
Which reminds me of the past, when one of the insane training in school was conducted.
The first training, I can take on the 400m.
But not the subsequent ones, where I fell on my knees ....
It's not that I'm weak,
It was just too much for me to handle at that time.
2 times of 400m is insane.
Especially to keep it under 1 min 20 sec.

Was a choingster in the past. 400m, 59 seconds.
That happened only once =(
Things started to turn, when I started to slow down.
When I started to injure more.
That was when I realised, You can push yourself over the limits.
I thought my limits were pretty high, I was proved wrong.
I went over it, which results in more injuries.
Plus, the slowing down process = more injuries.
Couldn't stop myself from slowing down.
Today, I am Nowhere. I only have My Pudao.
I'm as good as nothing without it.

Enough of raking the past.
What MADE MY DAY today was Hu JL's news about our 测试！
ALL OF US PASSED ORAL AND WRITTEN PAPER!!!
WoW, I was like super happy and shocked + surprised.
How did I managed to do it?
I was pretty sure I did pretty badly for both of them.
So I started to raise my brows, did he do it?
Was he stating the truth?
Or Was it just a story he came up with to make us all happy for that moment?
Regardless, we will find out someday, I choose to believe him.

Now looking back again, at the past few days.
How down and pessimistic I was.
Just because of this Coach course.
I wished I could think otherwise, but then the truth was there,
I screwed everything up, right in my eyes.

I walk a lonely road, the only one I've ever known.
Don't know where it goes, but its only me, and I walk alone.

2010-05-24T01:16:00.002+08:00

Failed.
Failed 2 out of 3 Taolu.

It was super demoralising, The first 2 event didn't pass.
I began thinking, what have I been doing all these while.
Why am I wasting my money. It's not cheap, 350 bucks, burns a hole in my savings.
Before going off to WZ, My mum chatted with me, and I caught hold of the line.
"你不要考不及格hor."
Pressure on me again.....

Anyway,
we then headed for lunch.
During that period, I silently swore that if my Pudao doesn't get at least 4 6,
I will quit Wushu.

By 4 6, which means 4 people raising 6 Marks.
Basically, there are 5 judges, and there will only be 5 marks and 6 marks.
Fail and pass respectively.
If 3 flag 6, you pass, less than that = fail.

If my Pudao don't deserve a slightly above pass, my efforts in specialising it fails.
Might as well 推出江湖.
I 失误 at the last part, a little obvious.
It took them a while to flag the score.
They took a look at the paper, which I believe referencing the previous scores.
Which makes me afraid, what if I fail?
All my effort, using 2 weeks time to clear this shit, and I fail everything?
I can sense my School grades going to drop again.
Which means I lose at both ends.

It soon became a relief, 5 6.
Sth I deserved.

The scores:

Baji, 5 5.
3 Duan Dao 2 6.
PuDao 5 6.

Pudao 万岁！

2010-05-23T01:00:00.001+08:00

I'm sleeping early for the test tml.
Like now.
Rare.

Everything for me in Wushu is pretty messed up.
I only got Pudao as my main, the rest 不三不四.
Taiji, Dao... Gun... Not one taolu...
Jack of all trades, master at none...
Better pick up sth, make it better, so I have at least another target.

......
Feeling pissed.
The reason why I didn't reproach myself for things that is done wrongly,
is because if I do, It will further turn myself inferior.
Yes, I'm finding excuse.
I'll probably get super depressed and do sth stupid.

Today, I woke up late for morning training.
I didn't set alarm.
Reason: My bro disturbed me, end up i forgot about setting alarm.
I don't usually forget about it. So i blame my bro.
They turn around and bite me, telling me not to blame others but blame yourself.
My parents have been talking about me waking up late for these and that.
They kept on reminding me about it.
Yes i know, It's bad, I should change.
But do they know how I really feel?
Criticizing me for things done wrongly.
Not a single praise in anything.
I know that its for my good.
But this is too much.
I'm too devoted into Wushu already, 4 trainings a week?
They can't see me struggling to balance everything I have.
And when my results drop, they blame me and the computer.
I've already reduced the amount of time I used it.
Till the extent, I feel not enough time for it.

Don't try to pin too much hope on me anymore.
Its too much for me.
I want to take things slowly one at a time.
But at this fast paced journey, i can't seem to slow down.

Its 2 AM now, what happened to the sleep early?
Busy venting my anger here.
Its not that I don't want to sleep early, I'm forced not to.
I wish to tell them that, but it will end up in a quarrel somehow.
BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS MY FAULT NOT THEIRS.
TELL THEM THAT, THEY SHOOT BACK, MY FAULT ONCE AGAIN.
Thats my blog for, i guess.

Just one more day... And I'm free from this jail. But I've to break out from another, which is outside from the inner jail. Let me bounce back up.

Bounce

2010-05-22T01:36:00.005+08:00

Bounce, Bounce Nothing's gonna keep me down
Bounce, Bounce Stand up, shout it out
Bounce, Bounce I play hard, I play to win
Count me out, count me in
I'll be bouncing back again

Awesome song.

2010-05-20T00:35:00.002+08:00

Another bullet through me.
How the fuck, did I not managed to answer the basic of the basic questions;
In the Oral.
Unbelievable. Once you hear the questions, its like heaven giving you an opportunity.
I missed it. Seriously.
Anyone that take this test, will say its super easy to pass with my set of questions.

The second downfall, I'm going to fail the oral.
Please, Don't let the practical test be another failure.
I fell once, I stood up.
I fell again, I stand up, but I'm weaker than before.
In the past, I was strong willed, today, its shattered into pieces.
I feel so demoralized. I don't wish to take another setback.
Where is the Louis I knew of in the past?
Have I changed into someone that is terrible?
It's too much for me.
To hold on with so many things on the hand is too much.
Biting more than I can chew.

I've done my homework, to release some things that are less priority.
But It's still not enough. It's too late to throw the white towel.
I have to walk on. Downhill or otherwise I'm not sure.
Only till when I collapse, is the day my white flag risen up.

We're rolling suicide.

2010-05-19T01:38:00.003+08:00

One down. Theory paper was pretty screwed up.
Tml, Oral. I sense its going to be another one.
I better look at the bright side....

My confidence level has dropped to near zero.
Why is this happening.
I currently feel that I will screw up every single thing this semester;
Whatever I am doing that is.
Be it GPA, This coach license thing, Common Test.
Probably the international competition which I pinned very high hopes on.

This will be my downfall....

I can't help but to think that way.
Especially when I'm still sliding down the slope. -VE gradient.
No matter how much I tried to psycho myself to think otherwise,
Another bullet will go through me. And this stupid cycle goes on.
Endless shit stuff happens on me.
But not a single event that i can pat my shoulder and say well done.
.....
I guess I can only say, "well done, you're going down."

I started running but there's no where to run to.
I sat down on My seat(the street), took a look at myself,
Say where you going man, you know your(the) world is heading for hell.
Say your goodbyes, when you got someone to say goodbye to....

2010-05-15T01:54:00.003+08:00

Dreams....
Not every time you can remember one.
But i can vividly recall the previous one i had.
It is something that surprised me.
That happened when i dozed off for the whole of the lesson in advanced maths.

It was then i realised, if you miss sth badly,
Or something that you keep thinking about,
It will appear in your dreams.
True enough, I am waiting for that day to come....

But I feel it will never happen.
Things were never that easy for another thing to happen.
Its a dream after all.

Once its over, I have to settle other things in line. Life's a mess when you're gone.

2010-05-14T02:00:00.002+08:00

8种伤在我右身体。
脚趾，脚腕，小腿，膝盖，大腿韧带，跨，腰，手臂。
志远问，”你为什么整身都是伤，那么容易伤的。“
老实话来讲，我也不知道。
我只知道无论做什么有关武术之类的动作，我会很容易受伤。
一旦用力，就会受伤。
不用力这么能进步呢？

时间越过越长，我就掉越来越深。
今天上课，迟半个钟头。
到了班，坐下5分钟，睡了整堂课。
老师说的话，完全没听。
她已经讲完了课。完了。
她还讲，"我不得不杀你，不然你们不会想。"
"这是个杀手题目来的。"

问题是，我已经死了，这么能杀一个死人呢？
末期到了，还有什么还怕呢？

好久没打自选套路了，突然叫我打，当然会失误。
刚编的套路难免这种失误。
嗨。好累。

想救自己好困难。如果有人在我身边，那该多好啊。

2010-05-13T00:43:00.007+08:00

我今天想写一个华语的....Post.
要准备一下，考教练执照一定不容易。
已经打算好了，从明天开始，必须背下来其中一个项目。
那么不会太最后一分钟，就不会着急了。

完了。今天走路一半突然间会疼起来的。
刚到学校就这样了。没办法继续走。
我还睡过头，过了一站。到SIM那里。
不知为何那么累。也许是太早上课，8点有点早。
措。是太早了。

今天的训练，有点不同。
我们做高抬腿后，加了画十三式太极拳来热身。
他们有讲过，可能会考十三式太极拳。
满荒唐的。考武术教练，跟十三式太极拳有关吗？
但是也满不错的，那套路不会太难，谁拿到那个题目，太幸运了。

糟糕，我的腰伤恶化了。
做了几腿旋风脚，就痛得要命。
转体都不敢做，就没做到。再这样下去，可能敖不了两个星期。
想疗伤但这个时期太重要了，不能再停下去。
现在，一边写字，一边想自选套路。
今天差一点，就打一个整套，幸好没时间，不然得打一套拳术。
在武宗，好难 on the spot 偏一个完整，秘书长在看每一个人打套路。
没办法，打新竞赛，因我只会那拳套路。
打新竞赛是一种自杀行为，那么多难度。不打死我才怪。

课上完了，忱辉,光德,志远,洪铭和我, 去星巴克喝咖啡，顺便复习今天所教的东西。
(I think hongming is wrong)

在途中，光德跟志远好亲热，互相拥抱一起站在雨伞下。

在灯光下...

光德突然间好 High喔，想抱洪铭不放。

当然，洪铭那让光德抱着他呢？（所以跑了起来）

你爷爷的.敢偷喝我的饮料!

可惜.电话照相机慢了一点,不然能拍到他指中指.

叫他重作,他就换了.但是还有两个意思喔.

忱辉慢慢享用饮料...但谁在他后面?

当然是洪铭!

无法控制自己回想以前的事。

2010-05-12T00:38:00.006+08:00

OMG to NQ.
Totally got no clue about it. I probably know a few moves.
But no clue what's its name. Better Mug hard for the whole test.
No confidence in all three aspects of test.
Only one week to prepare all three.
Time is running out, and it seems insufficient.

My school work suffers. I kept myself too busy.
No time to balance every single thing I currently have.
Oh shit. I just remembered 2 upcoming quiz, just 2 days ahead.
DIE.

Once again, I was late for school.
And once again, 30 mins late for the SAME class.
As usual, with no breakfast, I sat at my table.
Super tired, no energy + no concentration at all.
The Lecturer sat at the same place.
Her face seems disappointed.
Without fail, I always come late for her class.
Was wondering what is she thinking about.
"Louis is late again."
Probably left a pretty bad impression.
Still the same as last Sem.

My poor back.
Over exerting = injury.
Only a few Zhuan Ti, sigh....
My right leg Cui once again.
All these injuries never seem to go away.
Luckily I wore ankle guard for this training.
If not same plight as the other injury.
Must wear for every training... sigh.

Random Pictures.

Why do you need a straw for an ice cream?

Why are all these pictures smiling...

My mind isn't in a good state. I wonder why did i do that. Had a good laugh though, at least it cheered me up for a moment.

From my dearest cousins. Vandalized my hand with a pencil.

Why am I in this state.... But i managed to not think about it...
But for all these? I don't think its worth.

2010-05-11T00:31:00.003+08:00

Its true, things are starting to fall.
And today is the first fall.
Your first Assignment grade, D.
Wow... Did i really do that badly?
I can't believe it too...
But its the fact, written on paper.
Other people get A and A+, some Cs and some Bs.
But me? One D.
At that period of time when doing this assignment,
I was pretty affected by a lot of things.

"If you get carried away by emotions, you will lose even more."

That is just so right.

After listening to that assignment grade, my mind went totally depressed.
I wandered what changed me. I wasn't like that.
So easily depressed, so easily affected.
And most importantly, so pessimistic.
I'm still searching for that answer.

I fell asleep on the bus, woke up and feel different.
That was when i realised I forgot something important about me.
When I'm tired, regardless physically or mentally, I will think like that...
It didn't answer the above questions though.

Everybody's changing and I don't feel the same~

2010-05-10T01:13:00.003+08:00

Worries sets in as my standards of Pudao have again deteriorated.
Things start to Snowball.
If i don't start picking it up, I'll probably be screwed.

To Pick up coach license, i need to...
Pick up Zi Xuan Quan, Pick up my Pudao back
Pick up 4 duan Dao again.

To continue what I'm doing, I'll be picking....
Piano pieces, Advanced Maths, Jiu Jie Bian.

PLUS

Incoming presentations and quizzes, all in for me in this one week.
This insanity will drag on for 2 weeks.
By then, I'll look back and see i have survived all this, and say wow.

What are all these Nonsense for??? And only if I am injury-free...

2010-05-08T01:02:00.005+08:00

What will you do if you are the captain of the team for a day?

Honestly for me, I wish I could do as much as I can.
But limitations and restriction stop me.
I can't be always the one making decisions.
And the way people throw everything at me, its scary.
Hey captain.....
AE Captain.....
Even for minor things, you say "captain!"

When you pin too much hope on that person and he/she lets you down,
First natural instinct, disappointment.
Yes, I've tried to be there all the time, but what if.
What if I go missing one day?
Things have to go on. With or without me.

I've been leading for a long while, and teaching for quite some time.
I'm tired of leading, its became what you called burden.
At times i feel like dropping the post.
The amount of pressure everyone put on me is super super high.
Its as though I can do a lot of things.
I believe that the responsibility is a heavy one, but its heavier than I've expected.
I'll plan and execute the training. But when it comes to programmes, I will have not much clue because it is not me that is responsible for that. Thats where other committee members comes in. All they need to do is to give me instructions. But when instructions are not given, they look at the captain. "Now do what?"
So it becomes the captain fault, because training isn't that smooth.
I know. As captain, we should do everything, making decision, planning etc.

At certain point of time, I asked my vice captain to help me out, by relieving me for a while. He said no, you just do.
What can I do and say? walk off and throw tantrum?
Nope. I have to keep things going.
That's what a captain should do.
To make sure that training goes on.

I was hoping for a break. To leave this place, and drop all the things I have.
And just go and relax, was thinking somewhere with nice scenery with tranquility.
I missed the feeling and time I had after THAT Acupuncture, that relaxed mind...
So refreshing....

Complains is all I have. Nothing more....
And I just realised, its impossible to drop everything. regardless whether it's undone Homework, or out of curriculum stuff.
There's no way you can stop thinking, only whether you think it a steady mind or a mind that is filled with fatigue.

I have a song that used to be my favorite from Westlife.
It seems like another song(same band) has taken its place...
Cause the way i interpreted the song when i was young is different from now.
I miss old school songs.

You know, I can't give much concern. Rest well, and prepare for another day ahead.

2010-05-07T00:32:00.002+08:00

Advanced Maths....
I'm lost. Third topic already. Oh man.
...

After reading 1st chapter of the book that i haven't opened for years,
I realised that, there are at times i do such things.
And there are times where i don't make that mistake.
Interesting....

I'm tired and listless, in almost everything I'm doing.
5 days training a week can kill. This is the second day.
3 More training till the week is over. 5 more days till the cycle repeats.
Sigh.

Stockholm Syndrome, an awesome song... And so are the other MUSE songs, recently started to listen all the songs I've stopped listening.

2010-05-06T02:59:00.000+08:00

i have opened a book that i haven't read for years.

2010-05-05T02:00:00.000+08:00

Keeping myself busy isn't the solution, in the end, its the same.

2010-04-30T23:48:00.004+08:00

Was late for school today
I woke up on time.
But I missed the bus. So took an alternative bus route.
Surprisingly, no jam, and i was only 10-15 mins late.
Normally, after missing the bus = 30 mins late.

Today, i swear, was totally shit.
9 hours of torture.
4 hours of lecture, 2 hours of tutorial and 3 hours break.
My mind totally shut down after the last hour of tutorial.

All these aren't the important point.
It is what is coming up.
The reason why i missed the bus.
I was sitting at my bedside, and i stoned there.
Was staring at the pair of gloves i wore..... for ice skating.

I went closer to pick it up from the bookshelf and realised sth.
It was only one side of the glove.
What happened to the other side?
So, i decided to do a quick search,
since i do not have a lot of time and i couldn't find it.

Apparently it went missing after Universal studio.
The last time i used it.
I should spend some time to search for it.
What used to be a perfect pair of glove, was split apart.

I was busy, so i didn't really care about it.
But is it an excuse? I believe so.
No matter how busy you are, definitely you can come out some time.
To clear things up.
My room is in a mess now.
=/

Today's training was quite intense.
Was it because I haven't been in proper training for quite some time?
Injuries start coming back, one by one.
First is the ankle. Next my arm.
My ankle is still pretty weak after so long.
Now my knee hurts.
Currently Holding my faith together, but how long can it last?

I'm going to make all these pain worth while. After all, I've worked so hard and now i think this will be the one and only chance i can achieve sth.
I see a reason for continuing Wushu, I haven't achieved anything great.
Competing international standards and get the top of yi deng will be the greatest achievement....
My wants for going into national team wasn't great at that point of time.
Today, the only way through is Taiji, but i'm far from achiving anything for it.
I'll probably collapse before i can reach that certain standard.

So, This is it.
I have chosen 2 potential individual.
I have to hold on, regardless of the pain.
And SHOW THEM WHAT I'VE GOT.

I Planned to carry on without worries.
Until things changed....
And yes i changed because of it...
I'm thinking more for myself now.
With less than 2 years to fight for sth...
Simply Letting it go was the hardest part...

2010-04-28T00:36:00.004+08:00

My neck hurts.
It's super loose and it seems like it can break any moment.
Wonder if this is a side effect for ba guan.

And i can't believe it, my parents still doesn't know about our break up.
The other day when i was doing the treatment, my Mum mentioned her.
I kept quiet, and basically didn't talk.

Today, my Mum mentioned about her again.
But this time, i cheerful talk to her.
Proven, that time heals wounds?

I think I'm not going to let them know, till they find out themselves...

And does JL know about our story? I wonder....

300 Message. From CCA leadership camp till now.
Thats all i have left. Reading through all of them slowly...
And God damn it, why didn't i see that application, its super super useful.

2010-04-25T23:59:00.004+08:00

A usual Sunday morning,
Breakfast with family.

And as usual, went back home and knock out to energize myself,
before the training starts.

In the car journey to Sino,
My dad was talking to my mum.
Heard him mentioning this phrase,

"If you get carried away by emotions, you will lose even more."

I caught the meaning of it somehow,
Cause recently, i experienced it.
Just that, I'm not so sure i'm losing.

After training, I got a car ride from Auntie Florence.
And this car ride....
I found out what i will be losing and is currently losing.

Have you experienced when someone talks behind your back?
I'm guilty of talking, but so far NEVER heard someone talking behind me.
This is the first time.

My first thoughts were, WTF.
Next few mins, i think, Why are they doing it?
And i got my answer.

"If you get carried away by emotions, you will lose even more."

Thats my answer.
You lose your credibility.

We, as human beings, like to compare, like to judge.
When things aren't done correctly, or rather properly, you get feedbacks.
Negatively, remarks.

After much more thinking, i realised i lost my way.
In terms of leadership skills, in terms of making a decision.
After hearing things, I doubted my ability to lead.
I doubt myself whether i can do the right thing,
to be precise, the right decision.

I lost my stand. I lost the fight, to fight for our point of view.
and now i listen, which makes me a follower.
I've listened to many different point of view,
And i can't decide whether should i execute which one.

Which made me think further, whether i can really lead.
And makes me feel, whether i should give up.
Give up what was worth fighting for.

I've been in Wushu for many years.
Experienced a lot of things.
Especially injuries.
I went for zhi liao yesterday,
and found out that there are more than just an eye.
More injuries that i didn't know.
Which explains the marks at my back.

The doc discouraged me to carry on,
and said that 30 years down the road, you will experience hell.
Before my treatment, was an old man, complaining about his leg,
He was lying one bed beside me, and he told me that its really,
really troublesome when u reach this age.

He finished his line, and pain starts bombarding in.
Zhen jiu, A pain but not pain, something irritating but not irritating.
Something that its hard to describe until u feel it by yourself.

The amount of needle he poked in,
i'm not sure cause the pain made me lose count.
I think, its at least 10 needles.

During training, you get injured, u experienced pain.
Aftermath? More pain, you get yourself treated.
The cycle carries on.

What was all these pain for?
What was i fighting for?
What's worth fighting for?

Is it the pain?
Is it to get myself crippled or worst, killed?
What have i Achieved during these few years?
Yes, many medals, but is it worth it??

Worth considering, whether should i stop both.
There's still a long way to go, no doubt.
Recently got the balls to try 后空，前空空翻转体.
Should try dian/jian zi (which is the right one？) next time.
A good way to screw myself and end it.

2010-04-24T01:32:00.003+08:00

Got into Additional Maths for elective.
I wonder what kind of mess i'm into, it could be suicide.

I've solved countless maths equations.
But Why is relationship so hard to solve?
Is it tougher than Calculus?
I hope so.
So, Mathematics will be no kick to me. Hehe.

2010-04-23T01:26:00.003+08:00

Everyday busy with Wushu and School.
Its only first week of school.
And yet, I feel a little tired.

So my mind wandered off again.
Thinking.
What was my feeling after receiving that msg?
2 words.
Disappointing and sad.

No life already.
To think that i still went to apply Elective when they did not offer me one.
Advanced Maths.
Wonder if i can get in....

Songs of the day:

Bright lights from Matchbox twenty
Citizen erased from Muse

Just nice, both also i want to learn how to play.

2010-04-21T02:04:00.003+08:00

Friends.
It's really hard to be one.
Especially when relationship has ended.
And it's true.

Doesn't matter now.
What really matters, is that i have a group of friends.
Brothers that has been with me for 17 years,
Brothers that hasn't been with me for 17 years,
And of course, the others,
Behind my back, pushing me on.

And I, should do my part, to forget the past.
To do my part, to keep moving on.

And I, should not be distracted by it again.
To balance my life, Wushu And School.

I believe everyone noticed, as captain of the NP Wushu, that i am not doing my job.
Wayne did my job for me, thanks.

Don't mind me Shuens, I'm borrowing your line.
I swear i'll study hard, train hard and play hard.

I know its easily said than done.
But at least I made an effort to promise.
To walk through the storm.

Emo-lism is in me. No doubt.
I won't be as quiet as ever.

And there's still tomorrow, forget the sorrow, and i can be on the last train home.

And i just realised i haven't been listening to Muse for quite some time.
Exogenesis time.

2010-04-20T01:24:00.003+08:00

Sorry doesn't seem to be the hardest word.
Sorry doesn't do anything when the damage is done.

Which makes more songs i want to learn...